Lily and the Octopus (CONTAINS spoilers)

Combining the emotional depth of The Art of Racing in the Rainwith the magical spirit of The Life of Pi, Lily and the Octopus is an epic adventure of the heart.
When you sit down with Lily and the Octopus, you will be taken on an unforgettable ride.
The magic of this novel is in the read, and we don’t want to spoil it by giving away too many details.
We can tell you that this is a story about that special someone: the one you trust, the one you can’t live without.
For Ted Flask, that someone special is his aging companion Lily, who happens to be a dog.
Lily and the Octopus reminds us how it feels to love fiercely, how difficult it can be to let go, and how the fight for those we love is the greatest fight of all.

Where do I start with this one?? How about how I purchased this book many months back and solely because of the weenie on the cover. Then Oscar passed away and this book was buried very deep into a pile. Now, fast forward to last week and one day I got this weird feeling all day that I "needed" to read this book. All of a sudden I got this overwhelming interest in reading this book, like I HAD to start it THAT night. And So I did......

NOW< saying that this "review" contains spoilers is maybe too much.... if you read the back of this book you realize this is about a journey, it eludes to the end and if you read the first 5 pages everything is laid out. So with that being said I CAN NOT explain what this was to me without saying what happened to Lily. 

Like I said the first 5 pages BLEW me away, I literally had no IDEA that this book was literally about a tan weenie who had EYE SOCKET CANCER. DO you know how rare that is? And in this book this dog had a tumor above/in her eye JUST like my boy Oscar. And hence the tumor is named The Octopus.... and that description is mind blowing. Because that is what it was. ( I will let the book do the rest) And I cried and I cried all 4 nights I read this book. Lily also had spinal surgery EXACTLY like my Oscar, Lily also lost her eye site almost just like my Oscar.... I mean is this real?

Now onto the review..... This book is imaginative. About 1/4 of the book is the lead gentleman actually talking to the Octopus on Lily's head and it talking back, and Lily also talks. The middle of the book is a tad strange with this imaginative excursion to find and kill an Octopus but it is really just him working thru the fact that his one true love is leaving him. And when that happens it is almost exactly what happened to Oscar and his emotions mimic mine so much it broke my heart. Again.

What does this mean? I honestly think it was my Oscar letting me know he is there, showing me his reach from the other side and oddly him saying Hi Mom. This book was so unusual but honest and of course I recommend it. Here is a neat story, I found the author on Instagram and found the picture of his Lily.. who was real and I commented. And he replied back to me about my Oscar and his Lily, it was touching.

If anything this book taught me what I already knew.... that my love for Oscar is soo deep, absolutely a part of me died with him. And that heart ache that actually hurts has not and will not go away. I literally cannot put it into words how much I miss my boy, as does Matt. Sometimes I think, is this real life.... where is Oscar, it's literally like my head will not believe he is gone. Not ONE DAY goes by without me thinking about him and luckily lately it is all full of fond memories. Every night before bed I pray that God will let Oscar come visit me in my dreams and that I can remember them. But maybe this pressing urge to read this book was Oscar visiting me for real and I didn't only remember it, I read about his life on paper. xo

My Muse

 Lump first met Picasso on April 19, 1957 at La Californie, Picasso's hillside mansion in Cannes. His owner, David Douglas Duncan, had photographed Picasso for the first time during the previous year. On this occasion he chose to bring along Lump, as the Dachshund didn't get along with his other dog.^[1] While having lunch with his future wife Jacqueline Roque and Duncan, Picasso enquired if the dog had ever had a plate of his own. When Duncan responded no, Picasso picked up a brush and paint that were on the table and painted a portrait of Lump on his own dinner plate. With the work dated and inscribed to Lump, he handed the plate to Duncan as a gift.^[3] The dog felt immediately at home and stayed with Picasso for the next six years at La Californie, living with Picasso's Boxer Yan and a goat named Esmeralda.^[1] Duncan spoke of Lump and Picasso, "This was a love affair. Picasso would take Lump in his arms. He would feed him from his hand. Hell, that little dog just took over. He ran the damn house."^[2]

Duncan would return to visit Picasso during this time, and photographed the artist with Lump on several occasions along with Picasso's children. While Picasso preferred to work alone, he would often be accompanied by Lump. In one series of photographs, he made a rabbit out of a sugar impregnated cardboard cake box for the dog, who carried it into the garden to eat.^[1][2]

Duncan spoke of Lump's stay with Picasso, "Lump had an absolutely pampered life there. Picasso once said, ‘Lump, he’s not a dog, he’s not a little man, he’s somebody else.’ Picasso had many dogs, but Lump was the only one he took in his arms."^[1]

In 1964, during a visit with Picasso, Duncan was informed that Lump was unwell. The dog was suffering from a spinal condition leaving him without the use of his back legs and was being looked after by a local vet in Cannes. Duncan visited the vet and was informed that the condition could not be cured, and the vet was no longer feeding him.^[2] Duncan sought a second opinion, taking back the dog, he drove it to Stuttgart, Germany, where he found a vet who was willing to treat Lump. The treatment took several months, but Lump would go on to live for another ten years, albeit walking as Duncan would describe "a bit like a drunken sailor".^[2] He died ten days before Picasso, on 29 March 1973.^[1][2]

 I loved this drawing not only because it was a weenie dog but there was back story about a weenie who inspired a great artist and last Fall when we got Oscars diagnosis I already had my mind made up that this is how I would honor him.

SO Saturday was the BIG day, the day that I would get a piece of Oscar to always carry with me. And ya, I know it's small but that soft spot on your arm hurts REAL bad. But it only took 30 minutes, thankfully! Matt is still deciding what he wants to do to honor Oscar. 

 This is the finished result, I am so super happy.... it's perfect, it is artistic, it has several layers of stories to it and it completely represents my boy Oscar.

 I am/ We are 100% still grieving and I break down all the time but that just reinforces the love that we shared. It was complete, real, honest, loyal and forever.

Hope

At the beginning of this year I told you all that I had a "Word of the Year".... HOPE. For many reasons but mainly because I struggle with it. I struggle with the balance of having high Hopes and disappointment. I struggle with allowing myself to have Hope and Hope can be scary..... 

It has been 1 week since Oscar passed away and we are not much better emotionally. Matt and I are still covered in raw edges and disbelief. And our 3 other animals have had a rough week.... looking for their brother, being lethargic, and acting confused. It's hard to watch. We will still grieve for a long long time but I woke up today with the word Hope on my mind and I think today I need to allow myself to Hope. Have hope that this pain will turn into beauty. Have Hope that Oscar is as happy as he could ever be in his new eternal home. Have Hope that we made the right decision. And have Hope that the hole in our hearts can one day be filled with his memories and not pain. 

I won't lie to you, this has been one of, it not THE worst week in my life.... it's been unbearable. Yesterday for the first time I slowly got back to my routine, it didn't seem right but I have to try. I like having things to look forward to so I am looking to get a Oscar Memorial tattoo soon. I have been putting a lot of thought into it for some time now, since we knew he was terminal. I really want to carry him with me where ever I go. And I think that will help me heal, part of my process of loosing my child.

Dear Oscar,
I know you have been on your journey to your forever home and I have prayed everyday that you are surrounded by light, peace, happiness and love while you make that journey. I know that now you are in no more pain and that you can see out of both of your eyes, I know your coat is shiny and soft and your spirit is full of life. I want you to know that you will NEVER be far from my mind and you will always be in my heart and one day your Mom will stop crying and look back with smiles. I have told you so many times you are MY BOY, my best boy, my brave boy and my first boy. You were devastatingly handsome and I know you were just "big boned".... I miss your kisses, the way your ears flapped over and flopped in the wind. I miss how well you patrolled the backyard for us and declared our yard a no fly zone for birds. I will always remember our countless hours of snuggles and the hundreds of times we had to calm you down while you claimed everything from the fridge to all your brothers toys. You were one of a kind and you were MY one of a kind. I loved you more than myself and I will miss you forever Oskie-Pants. xoxo

He is Home

Yesterday I picked up our boy Oscar and brought him home to us one last time. It was surprisingly devastating and peaceful at the same time. As soon as they called I rushed, I didn't want him to spend one more moment away from us, his family and his home. We were very pleased with his final resting place, the box is really beautiful. But at the same time while I hold that small box in my hand my longing to hold Oscar couldn't be stronger. We think that Oscar would like to be with us, where the action is and where the memories are made... so Oscar will be with us in the living room. The living room where he loved "snuggle city" while we watched our shows. The living room where he chewed his bones and destroyed blankets. The living room where he would run and chase Abner or surprise attack Ralph and the living room where thousands of kisses were given out.

The picture above is from Friday, after the decision was made. I took Oscar upstairs with me and laid him on the bed to not only spend some time with his sister Bella but so I could lay with him. We were face to face and I was telling him how handsome he was, how much I loved him and how much I was going to miss him and I swear do you see it.... he is smiling. I know that he knew and I know he was at peace. So I try to come back to this picture, see his peace and feel comfort in that.

I feel like I have reached a different level in my grief.... a time where I can't believe this is real. I literally have to stop myself and try to wrap my head around it all. It's like I have reached some stage of denial..... like my brain and heart wants to stop believing this is true. How can this be??? I keep saying to myself.... how can this be. I am also scared, scared of the day that the pain will go away... I feel like when that happens part of Oscar will go away. Like the pain is somehow keeping him close to me, I know it sounds crazy but it's how I feel. I also feel guilty for a smile or a laugh. I know I know he would want me to be happy but it somehow doesn't seem right. yet.

I miss his rhino buns, his dashing grey around his face, I miss how excited he got to go to the mailbox with me, I miss seeing him run, I miss kissing the sweet spot on his neck, I miss watching him sleep, I miss how excited he got over meal time, I miss seeing the sun on his face, I miss hold him on my chest like a baby, I miss his growls and how demanding he was, I miss watching his face light up when I brought home a "new toy", I miss snuggling him, I miss his stinky breathe..................

Pain

Right now I am sitting at my desk behind my computer and my office is in my master bedroom. From my desk I look out towards my bed and today onto the empty spot where Oscar should be. You see I am inseperable from my fur-kids, Matt traveled 5 days a week in Ohio so it was literally just me and them. Here Matt works late 3 nights a week and I am not currently working.... so 99% of my life is literally just me and my animals. My day runs around them, their routine is my my routine. And since his diagnosis with cancer 5 months ago Oscar and I become more attached at the hip. Every single day he spent all morning napping and watching me from the bed while I blogged, did school or paid bills. Every single day he knew when it was time to go upstairs with me and it gave him... well the both of us such joy. But here it is Monday, sadly and my bed is empty. His snuggle blanket is still there and it smells like him but he is not in it.
In Ohio when Oscar had back surgery I literally had to re-teach him how to walk. For a solid month I had to hold him up each time he went to the bathroom, carry him everywhere and do his rehab to build up his back again. That is just another time that is written in my heart that bonded us together so closely. He is 1/5 of my world. And now that world has a huge gaping hole and the pain for me is unbearable. I went back and forth between crying and sitting around like a zombie all weekend, as did Matt.  But today is Monday and I am suppose to resume my routine but the glue is missing. The bossy little tan glue is not here.

Today I go to my infertility doctor and we start the IVF process, we will be "mapping" out my "insides" for the upcoming procedures and I will be having a ton of blood work... I am so scared about giving so much blood. But I also know I am going to cry like a crazy person in the office when they ask me how I have been. How am I suppose to turn my head around and put such positivity into this process right now when I am not ok. UGH.

Thank you all for listening, if you know me then you know that me getting this all out of my head is part of my healing process. It won't be pretty and it will be old but I pray it helps me. I also ask that you all pray that Oscar is surrounded by happiness and light while he makes the journey to start his new life elsewhere. I worry, he is so small..... will he make it to heaven ok? What if he gets lost? Is he happy? And this line of thought goes on and on and on and on.............
My heart hurts.

Oscar Savage

Don't Grieve For Me 

Don' grieve for me, for now I'm free; I'm following the path God laid for me.

I took His hand when I heard Him call; I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day, to laugh, to love, to work or play.

Tasks left undone must stay that way; I found that place at the close of day.

If my parting has left a void, then fill it with remembered joy.

A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss; Ah yes, these things, I too will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow, I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.

My life's been full, I savored much; good family, good times, a loved one’s touch.

Perhaps my time seems all too brief; don't lengthen it now with undue grief.

Lift up your heart and share with me, 

God wanted me now, He set me free

Oscar Savage woke up on Friday March 18 and he was sick and sadly we knew that it was time. We got 5 wonderful months with him after his Cancer diagnosis. Time to love him, baby him, care for him but even with those 5 months you are never prepared to actually say goodbye. It still all seems so rushed. When Oscar Savage left this world to begin a new journey both Matt and I were by his side, just like the moment we both picked him up from an abusive home and welcomed him into ours.  

The picture above is taken on the day we rescued him 9 years ago, 9 years filled with love.....laughter....ups and downs.....moves......cuddles and kisses. 

The picture above is Oscar and his new brother Abner after we rescued him and below is when Oscar was part of the welcome committee for his new baby brother Ralph. Oscar always had a special bond with his cat sister Bella too, they were the original OG Savages. Oscar was never very good at sharing but the bond he had with his siblings was special and you can tell that they are grieving the loss of him as well. I mean I had 4 babies and now I have 3, it's hard to accept. 

Oscar Savage was a traveling man... He lived in Oklahoma, Ohio and Colorado. Him and his sister were the best travel buddies and I am sure he is telling everyone on his new journey about all his adventures. That is me trying to be positive, I believe it but I am not sure I am ready for the positive look back yet. I am still in the thick of it. We both are. 

I think one of the cruelest things is that after a diagnosis like cancer you become even closer. I know I did, for the last 5 months Oscar and I were attached at the hip... literally. Whether I was cleaning his eye, carrying him to be upstairs with me, rocking him like a baby on bad days.... our bond became even deeper than I could have imagined and I know Matt feels the same way too. So having to say goodbye was literally unbearable. Saying goodbye to someone I love more than myself, someone I loved sooooo fiercely, someone who was and is apart of me..... is so cruel.

 Matt and I 100% lost a child on Friday, and NO one can or will ever tell us any differently. All 4 of our animals are our children and the hole in our hearts is the most pain we have ever felt. We are drowning in our grief. Both of us didn't know it was possible to cry for 6 continuous hours, but it is. And sadly the past 2 mornings we woke with tears after crying ourselves to sleep.

We are trying to be strong for our 3 other animals because we know they are dealing with this too and that is heartbreaking to see. But Matt and I both have moments where we feel like we will never get out of this pit of despair... then I worry about the day I do...... I don't ever want to forget anything about my boy. 

We know he is not in pain anymore, we know the decision was right but that doesn't make this any easier.... yet. And for me I am having a hard time with the actual process..... I was there for Oscar but seeing it happen and leaving the room when he was gone was unbearable and I can't stop replaying it over in my head. I just pray that my mind STOPS... stops the what ifs and stops the thinking. 

For those of you who have never experienced the deep love an animal can bring to you, I'm sorry and this might seem extreme to you but to us we lost a child. 

Thank you for all the well wishes, thoughts and prayers that have been sent our way. The road will be long for us but over time our grief will hopefully turn into happy memories. 

Oscar Savage, you were one of the loves of our lives. We miss you with ever fiber we have and the hole in our hearts that was you will never be full. You brought us so much joy, God truly sent you to us and we could never thank him enough. We always tried to do right by you, protected you, loved you and always smothered you with kisses. Love, Mom and Dad. 

Update on Oscar

I know a lot of you have been asking about my boy Oscar so I wanted to give you all an update. The picture above was taken last week and you can see the huge tumor on his eye. This morning I took a picture up close of what it really looks like but I erased it.... I don't want you all to see. It is very hard to look at, the large bloody mass is sticking out from his eye and covering 1/4 of his eye. It's about 1 inch of tissue being pushed out from his eye socket now,  I clean the eye daily and he is so good for me when I do it which is not the norm, ha. It leaks a lot and he messes with it which is horrifying for all of us. Recently he started losing hair on his tail, who knows what the cancer is causing.

BUT.... as you can see from this picture he is loving all his special treatment, some days he is happy as a clam... playing, running and other days are filled with naps and only wanting me to hold him.  He is more aggressive, he gets upset very easy and he is very grumpy but of course he is he is sick. He is still eating like a champ that is for sure.... so I just can't justify that its time yet. I still feel like his good days out number the bad. We know the eye has to be bothering him, I think he can still see out of it but he doesn't really show that he is in pain.

For me I have to have a sign, see something more before we make that decision because to me it would be like killing him. With it being his eye it's almost harder because it's not like he will become un-mobile, the rest of him is normal pup. So this decision is..... there are no words for what it is.
You know when I bring him to bed with me sometimes I can lay there for an hour massaging him and telling him how much I love him. I want to soak up every minute but it is so hard, just now while I type this I am a mess..... I love him so much it literally hurts me, my heart is breaking. I don't know how much more time we have with him and I hate that the answer to that is up to Matt and I. I pray daily for a sign. You know, I couldn't love anything more (except for his 3 siblings) I really love him more than my own life.

Oscar!

When my parents were here my Dad brought his camera and we did a photo shoot with Oscar. At first he was scared because getting in a car usually means we are going somewhere he doesn't like but once he realized the afternoon was all about him..... he was the happiest puppy around!

 I got him a bow tie which made him look even more handsome than he normally does and we loved how the photos turned out!

 This picture which I feel like really captures our love for him is our Christmas card! I haven't sent out cards in over 3 years but this year it was all about our animals. Isn't it cruel how each year our love grows stronger for our babies but we are going to out live them all.

 I LOVE this one! This one will be a framers, he looks so cute!

 We let him run wild at the school park in our neighborhood and he was so tired by the time we got home!

 We tried to do a family picture at home but getting our 3 dogs to look and stay still is challenging! haha!

 Here is my boy Abner, you would never know he is 14!

And we could not forget the lady of the house Miss Bella, she was laying in a beam of sun (her favorite) and we caught some great pictures of her!

 So who is Oscar? Good, you know he has good days when he is running around and playing like normal and you would never know he is sick. On those days we think he will be with us for a long time. But he has bad days and like a real kid he only wants to be held by me. Those days are tough. When my parents were here the weenies both claimed my dads lap.....

Oscar also gets to sleep in bed with Mom and Dad now and he is so cute, and yes.... he knows how to use a pillow and insists on having his head on it. I will always cherish moments like these....

 This is what he does on days he is sick, he just begs at my feet until I sit down with him and he curls up like a baby and sleeps on me. Something else he has started doing is lashing out a bit. It wasn't his fault at all but he did bite me last week, pretty bad but that is one of the only ways he knows how to get his point across. Ya know? It breaks my heart.

Overall we think Oscar is very very happy and he is enjoying every moment of all his special treatment! Keep him in your prayers. 

Oscar

How cute is that sleeping baby on my stomach? I swear I had to pee so bad but I wouldn't dare wake him! He loves snuggling with his Mommy!
I know a lot of you have been wondering about Oscar, how he is doing and how we are going to move forward. Also, I want to thank you all for your concern, prayers and thoughtfulness!

Matt and I did come to a decision last week, and it wasn't easy. Like I said in the last post (HERE) this is a NO-WIN situation. So any decision we come to we will second guess, feel guilt and not feel 100% about.  Matt and I prayed, talked to doctors, cried and made a Pros and Cons list to help us make our decision. We have decided not to invasively treat Oscar. You see Oscar is not like our other weenie Abner who had 13 teeth pulled in dental surgery and bounced back so well that the doctors were amazed! Oscar is a high anxiety/high stress dog. His recovery from the Ct Scan and biopsy took him a week and that was nothing compared to what would have to happen to him over the course of treatment. Since Oscar is so high stress we cannot put him thru that. It's hard, this situation has consumed me, last week I woke up crying in the middle of the night and feeling such a loss for Oscar. I need to enjoy this and take it all in instead of being scared of what is to come...We want to make his remaining time with us filled with LOVE, smiles and a full belly for him.

How long? That is the big question isn't it? We are thinking the end of the year at best. Based on how he is acting, what the doctors have told us and our gut.

Now, another layer to this story is something I did last Friday. Matt was not supportive in this but I did it because I believe. I researched Pet Physics in Denver and found an amazing women who has written books, been on TV and her testimonials were great to read. Now, I am a believer... if you know anything about me you know this. And if you don't believe then good for you but what this women told me was UNREAL. She came to the house last Friday and stayed for over an hour and she spent time with each animal and conveyed to me what they wanted me to know. Things the animals told her to tell me.... no one could have known and NO, I didn't give her any information when she got here. Here is the "jest" of what Oscar wanted to convey to us........
We made the right decision. He said that although his body isn't wearing down like other dogs in his situation are, that is mind and spirit are. He said that he doesn't have it in him much longer to fight. He said he is tired and his spirit is worn down. She went into more detail but that was the big part of it that I wanted to share with you all. It doesn't make this decision easier but it helps to reaffirm that we made the correct decision, I really feel like he spoke thru this woman. He also told me of a "sign" he would do when he is ready, which was really hard to hear. So only time would tell if that will happen and when.  This hour with the pet physic was so amazing I cannot express to you how I felt when she left and to see how all the animals acted towards her was something else.

Anyways.... my parents are here in 2 weeks for a Broncos game and my Dad is going to take family pictures of Matt, Oscar and I so that we will always have them to look at. I am going to get him a very dapper bowtie which he will look adorable in.

I will keep you all updated, please keep Oscar in your prayers.

NO Win Situation

I want to start this blog post off with a CRAZY disclaimer, it might sound harsh BUT I mean every word. IF you are going to tell me any of these phrases then please delete yourself from my life.
Examples:
1. He is only a dog, you can get a new one
2. I know you love him but just wait until you have a "real" baby
3. I would never spend that on a animal, it's just a animal
4. I know you love him but you will know real love when you have a baby of your own.

So I think that pretty much covers that and anything around those examples I will NOT tolerate. Ok? Thanks.

Now, I have the update on my boy Oscar and it's a lot so forgive me if I jump around or get lost in a sentence. Thanks!
At the beginning of last week Oscar had his CT Scan and his Biopsy of whatever is in his eye. We got the results on Saturday during our garage sale ....In his left eye socket is a 1 1/2 inch Cancerous tumor. It is Cancer and it is severe. The Ophthalmologist immediately referred us to the Oncology department and we had our consultation yesterday! The picture above is us yesterday.... we put Matt's red pocket square in his collar and told him he is "SUPER Weenie"!
Here are all the options that are in front of us, I will do my best to explain......

1. If we move forward to treat this he will have surgery to remove the tumor as well as a little of the bone of his eye socket that has been touched with the Cancer as well. He will 110% loose his eye. This option will run us around $5,000. And we have already spent $4,000 last week just to get this far.
NOW that is the BEST case scenario. But IF the surgeon cannot get ALL the cancer and his margins do not come out clean he will have to have Radiation.

2. Moving forward with Radiation, the doctor tells us that it is ONLY bad for a month. Since essentially he will be getting awful "burns" and will likely loose all his hair on that side of his head. She tells us that dogs bounce back. But doing my own research on this, it looks awful. And we would be going everyday for treatment and everyday he would be put under light sedation and then go home to recover.  This will cost us around $5,800 for just this treatment alone. BUT we will not know until after the surgery IF this is needed.

3. We do nothing, and the tumor will continue to grow and it will make him go blind. The tumor will then press on his optic nerve causing him severe pain and will eventually push his left eye completely out. So this would be constantly monitoring him to manage his pain until it is time to say goodbye.

4. And this option that has been thrown out by family member is that we pick a date and say goodbye. We never let him get to that level of pain or the trauma of him loosing his eyesight.

You see, looking at these options can make you crazy. The doctor tells us that IF we go thru Options #1 and #2 ... he could live several more years. But WHERE are we going to get $10,000? We didn't know this was coming and we bought this home and there went all our money and the money we spent on Oscar last week was IT. But even beyond the money..... do we want to put him thru that? He is ONLY 8 but he also has heart disease and has already been thru back surgery. Can he make it? Is it worth it? We have a doctor telling us it isn't "that bad" but it is invasive surgery AND Radiation on a little guy who will NOT understand what is happening. 
BUT then we don't do anything, we don't "save his life" and we are killing him. Right now he is completely normal... he has no idea what the road ahead lies so the thought of this option is unbearable. Looking at our dog and aside from his eye he is his normal self and thinking about putting him down? My brain cannot comprehend this.

When I found all this out Saturday I had my first panic attack in 2 years, to say that I am broken is not enough. Part of me is going to die with Oscar. I literally cannot express how I wish this was me, I would loose my eye gladly is that meant Oscar would be back to normal. I love my animals more than I love myself. I mean what do we do? WHAT DO WE DO?
I didn't even want to get out of bed this morning. And this weekend I am throwing Matt his 35th birthday party, we are going thru our 2nd cycle of Fertility treatments and next Tuesday I start Jury Duty.... it's too much. I know people are going thru so much worse than I am right now, I am not stupid. But this is MY life, this is my heart and how I feel is valid. My heart is completely broken.......