How am I?

Hey friends, first of all TGIF!! Second thank you to all of you who have recently reached out and asked "How are you"? I appreciate you thinking about me and Matt, because you don't just wake up the next morning and forget everything, although I think some people must think that.

This is a weird question "How are You"...... I am ok. Just ok.
* Physically? I am feeling like myself.... about 2 weeks ago I noticed that the hormones and drugs must be out of my system because the dizziness has left and I feel like my old self again (Hello, welcome back migraines) This might be TMI but I just had my period again since this and that is good, my body is getting back to the normal cycle of things.

* Have Matt and I discussed moving forward? Yes, we finally had a talk about all of this... Matt doesn't like talking about negative things but this is our life and I need it. We have made a decision, more like 1/2 a decision. We eliminated an option but now is not the time to share that because it is still raw within us. No, we are not doing anything currently to move forward right now but eliminating one direction is helpful.

* "How am I doing"? I am doing ok, I have thrown myself into planning this fun vacation next week and looking forward to meeting my friend Nicole in LA the following weekend for a girls getaway. It's nice having somethings to look forward to!! Here is what is so hard......
We went from our soul focus for over 2 years was trying to have a baby to this... nothingness.
We went from 1 SOLID year of infertility treatments, shots, doctor appts to this....nothingness.

 During the past year each disappointment is pushed aside because literally days later you are starting another round or procedure and you need your focus to be positive.... SO now it seems like all of this is slowly creeping up on me. And it is doing so thru my old pal... ANXIETY. Somedays I am good but somedays it is so out of control I can't take it. At night I can hear my heartbeat in my ears and my old pal the elephant is back to sitting on my chest. I literally cannot sleep right now without taking an over the counter sleep aid. The anxiety is unreal and it has been over 2 years since I have been on anything to control it, I had to get off everything to try to have a baby and now I am reluctant to start up taking things again. I don't want to but I might have to. Anxiety is my bodies way of holding onto things and I can't do anything about it. I am drowning a little in the "what should I do" phase but I dunno, thats the answer... I don't know what to do about it.
Second I am still dealing with anger, anger towards "certain situations" that have arisen from this past year. You can forgive and try to move on but it changes things, permanently. I hate being so vague with you all because I am never like this but I have to be. My anger over issues I am afraid will result in me not being the same again towards certain things. Or people if you must know. It's sad, because I am not that way but I just can't .... I just can't let is slide I guess would be a good phrase. ugh. moving on...........
Here is the jest of what I told Matt, this is 100% a death, this is the biggest life moment we have had together. We must both now find a way to mourn the life that could have been. Move on and Mourn the fact that we will NEVER have a biological child, and it is a death of "what could have been". And it has to be processed but there isn't a handbook per say on how to do this. We have to struggle in this and hopefully move on.
SO I guess that is how I am doing inside. Outside, I am ok. My favorite word, Ok. I am ok.

IVF Prayers Needed!!!!!

 Hi Guys, I have my IVF update ready for you and I will try to explain everything the best I can like always, I want to educate.
Today is Injection Day #8, we are doing ok... my thighs are covered in bruises from injections and I am very swollen and uncomfortable. I have a headache 24/7 and I am still feeling very light headed. Luckily I only had 1 fainting spell last week, my first one ever. These meds are hard on our bodies and the amount of Human Growth Hormone I am taking this time literally wants to take me down. I didn't take this last time so it's new to me and my body.

This morning was my 4th Ultrasound and Bloodwork set for this cycle and I was nervous... nervous about the follicle growth and about giving blood on my already very bruised arms.... That wand in the picture and I are besties! LOL

I showed you all this last week and explained that these injections and oral meds I am on are Stimulants.... to stimulate my follicle growth. Those grey things are the ovaries, the holes are the follicles and inside them the eggs grow and that shows how they will be removed during surgery. 

 This is what the internal ultrasound looks like, the black spots are the follicles.... (this isn't mine, it's an example) Every woman is different but you want at least 10-15 Follicles ranging from 15-18millimeters. And if you don't get there then the egg retrieval will not happen. Are you all with me?

Today.....
I was a late developer last time too, they know that and I know that but today wasn't great. I have only 1 follicle that is ranging at 14mil and then I have 6 baby ones ranging around 5mil. They gave me a different shot in the office right then and I will be adding this 5th injection to my daily routine now to help them grow. But we are also on a time frame.... a women's clock, you only have so many days to get all this done. So.... Wednesday is due or die..... if we see substantial growth, GREAT then we will most likely keep injections for 1 more day before we schedule the surgery. BUT if we do not see growth like the specialists need to see then this cycle will be done and I will most likely not be a candidate to try again. They have to tell you the worst case so we know. But I can't have done all this and..... then.... nothing.

SO....... My body has just a couple of days to DO THIS! I am asking for a specific prayer......
Please pray that my follicle growth is fast, that they will catch up and all be around 15-18mil. Please pray then that those follicles will house good mature eggs inside that we can use to make our baby.
I hate asking for things, I hate this but I honest to goodness know we need this help right now. I am thinking only that it will happen. Come on body....... DO YOUR THANG!!!!!!!!

We really want to get to this next step...... where we have good viable eggs in those follicles so they can meet up in a lab and make us a baby.

Thank you ahead of time for your prayers. I will be positive and I will look forward to the good. I will update you all on Wednesday. In the meantime I am trying to relax, stay positive and rest.  And Matt has stabbed me almost 40 times so far this cycle with needles and he's doing great, thats his part for now and we have a routine down.

IVF Take 2

Can it really already be time? I know I told you all it was August and it is but SO much goes into IVF that you literally start over 1 month early getting your body ready, lining things up and that start date was yesterday. Yesterday I went in for my baseline ultrasound which showed that I have healed well from the last IVF and that I have no cysts which is always great news. And I guess it has been a long 2 months without a date with my friend the ultrasound wand! lol! Then we did blood work which will check all my levels and give them a base line reading of that as well! Lastly I started Birth Control yesterday which is confusing for some... here is the "jest":

They use it to suppress your body from producing eggs and all that stuff for 1 month before IVF as well as prolonging this cycle. I will take 30 days of active pills so I won't start my period again for 5 weeks which all works into the master IVF plan! 

During this next month we will do our IVF consent forms again, order all my meds, cough up $$$ and have more blood work. 

This is the ecstatic me yesterday......

SO last week when my show The Real Housewives of the OC started again I was excitedly surprised to see that Meghan Edmonds (Wife of baseball legend Jim Edmonds) is going thru IVF on the show! I was excited for people to see what it is like, more awareness and I'm am really seeing something on this show I can relate too. But I was kinda shocked at my reaction to her Endometrial "Scratch" procedure on screen, I cried. I cried because seeing it scares me... I have to have this done in 3 weeks and she describes it as the worst pain ever, like knives in her uterus and I felt the same. I cried just from seeing someone else display what I go thru. It's horrible. 

You know Matt is having a hard time "getting" my emotions this time around.... Some people would think that Round 2 would be easier, knowing what to expect but for me it's the opposite. Knowing what all is to come, like how painful the procedure above is.... is wrecking me. Yes, we want to do this ..... we want a baby but who would look forward to all this AGAIN. My anxiety is THRU the roof and that scares me. I have to find a way to get this under control. But that is who I am... knowing how many times I have to give blood and by the end of the cycle both of my arms/veins collapsed from giving so much blood... yes, that scares me. Knowing how scary the retrieval was and how the propofol burns as you go under.... yes, that scares me. I have a little time to try and turn these thoughts around and focus on what will hopefully be a beautiful outcome that I will be pregnant! So I ask currently that your prayers be on turning my anxiety around so I can be strong and think positively.