Decisions.... dum dum duuummmm

I wanted to open up to you guys today for a few reasons.......
1. Spilling my guts on here is therapeutic for me
2. I want to share with you all and be open about everything because of the feedback I have received over these few years.... it helps people and that helps me!
3. And You all... our family, our friends and our wonderful supporters online matter to us.

A few weeks ago Matt and I had a very real and very hard conversation about our future and what we want it to hold. But the future for us is the next year only, dealing with infertility it is best to only plan a year at a time we have found out. Mostly because so many different factors go into this and things can change on a dime. You know no one gives you a manual on how to deal with the news that you will never have biological children and then no one robs a bank for you either. So ya, money is a huge factor in this decision but we honestly set that aside and talked about how we feel. If we robbed a bank and got $30,000 plus in our laps would this decision change... maybe. But we don't actually know and for now we both feel at peace with our decision.

We decided that for the next year we are going to be US. It has been YEARS since we have lived without trying to conceive, years since we were not constantly sticking me with needles, emptying bank accounts on medical intervention and years since we stopped tracking time by my period. And trust me no one wants to count time by their period! HA! So this next year we are going to focus on US. Live our lives, focus on our careers, love on our fur-animals, go on vacations (I hope) and celebrate our 10 YEAR wedding anniversary next year. Then after our 10 year anniversary we will sit down and see where we are and how we feel. Matt mentioned that maybe we don't have children and I feel the same but in this space is that just the residual grief talking? Or in a year will we want to move forward with adoption? I can't answer that. What I can answer is that is has been just the 2 of us for 11 years this Christmas. Our first date was 11 years ago and we have come out ok(ish) LOL!!!!! Now, we do want to try and save.. I hope to sell a few houses so we can save money but first for us to have a savings again. We have like $300 in savings because of how much we spent this past year on 7 IUI's and 2 IVF's. We also want to finish our basement but we will see. So next year we are going to STOP revolving our lives solely on if we are pregnant. And ya, we both have a lot of healing to do.

I need people to know that especially like this past week when SO many friends announced their pregnancies I am truly happy for you. Why would I not be, I know how hard it is to get pregnant so YAY you, for real! SO very happy for you... your future baby has no bearing on my situation although people seem to think it must. The only thing is it makes me think.... will I ever get to "announce" we are having a child one day? Will I be ok if we never do? And those are valid questions to ask myself. And who knows that answer! And I hate how this situation, something I cannot control effects the way people are to me/us.. So stop it you guys! No, neither of us have officially dealt with the ramifications of the past few years but how do you? Really, how are you suppose to? For me I think all my emotions have been channeling into anger, which I don't like. Anger at situations and people who just act as if my life never happened, anger to those who cannot seem to not even once acknowledge what we have been thru. It doesn't take much time or effort to say "Hi, I love you, I am sorry." But it clearly must be...... I can't seem to move past it, I stew in it and I hate myself for it.

SO that is where we are, I did ask my Mom to stop saying "But you all would have the most beautiful baby ever, we will never see that" I know Mom, I know you are hurting too but that isn't good for any of us to hear anymore. And thats the truth, that is where we are and how we are moving forward as a couple. I still have some expensive IVF meds in my fridge, I am gonna offer them up again to anyone who wants them before I throw them out. I have loved helping 2 other girls with free meds, I like the thought that something good is coming out of our situation.

IVF Take 2

Can it really already be time? I know I told you all it was August and it is but SO much goes into IVF that you literally start over 1 month early getting your body ready, lining things up and that start date was yesterday. Yesterday I went in for my baseline ultrasound which showed that I have healed well from the last IVF and that I have no cysts which is always great news. And I guess it has been a long 2 months without a date with my friend the ultrasound wand! lol! Then we did blood work which will check all my levels and give them a base line reading of that as well! Lastly I started Birth Control yesterday which is confusing for some... here is the "jest":

They use it to suppress your body from producing eggs and all that stuff for 1 month before IVF as well as prolonging this cycle. I will take 30 days of active pills so I won't start my period again for 5 weeks which all works into the master IVF plan! 

During this next month we will do our IVF consent forms again, order all my meds, cough up $$$ and have more blood work. 

This is the ecstatic me yesterday......

SO last week when my show The Real Housewives of the OC started again I was excitedly surprised to see that Meghan Edmonds (Wife of baseball legend Jim Edmonds) is going thru IVF on the show! I was excited for people to see what it is like, more awareness and I'm am really seeing something on this show I can relate too. But I was kinda shocked at my reaction to her Endometrial "Scratch" procedure on screen, I cried. I cried because seeing it scares me... I have to have this done in 3 weeks and she describes it as the worst pain ever, like knives in her uterus and I felt the same. I cried just from seeing someone else display what I go thru. It's horrible. 

You know Matt is having a hard time "getting" my emotions this time around.... Some people would think that Round 2 would be easier, knowing what to expect but for me it's the opposite. Knowing what all is to come, like how painful the procedure above is.... is wrecking me. Yes, we want to do this ..... we want a baby but who would look forward to all this AGAIN. My anxiety is THRU the roof and that scares me. I have to find a way to get this under control. But that is who I am... knowing how many times I have to give blood and by the end of the cycle both of my arms/veins collapsed from giving so much blood... yes, that scares me. Knowing how scary the retrieval was and how the propofol burns as you go under.... yes, that scares me. I have a little time to try and turn these thoughts around and focus on what will hopefully be a beautiful outcome that I will be pregnant! So I ask currently that your prayers be on turning my anxiety around so I can be strong and think positively.

What's Next?

I am BAAACCCKK from Okc and I will be doing a post about all of that soon but this week is IMPORTANT and I don't want to miss it....... It is INFERTILITY AWARENESS WEEK! NIAW
I know your all think "oh dear is she gonna preach to us" and well, maybe. ha! But first I told you all that after I got back from Okc I would let you all know what our Fertility Specialist said and whats next for us........

Last Thursday during the time slot that was going to be our embryo transfer we met with our doctor to discuss what went wrong with this IVF round and what is next for us. And honestly it is hard to type, it is really so complex but I will do my best to make this short, sweet and simple. When we walked into his office he gave us the biggest and most genuine hugs AND that is why
A. We are in the best hands
B. This team becomes family
C. His office is the #15 Infertility Clinic in the United States

Our doctor expressed to us that he was honestly as shocked and upset by our egg retrieval as we were, only 1 egg?? No one saw that coming. He reviewed everything, from the moment we walked into his office almost ONE year ago. During this cycle ALL my blood work, estrogen levels, follicles were exactly where mine should have been and everything pointed to a successful retrieval. But you see that is why this is a lot of "Seeing what works with your body" and "Trial and Error" you literally cannot watch the eggs grow. So he said last week he went back and spent a morning with our Embryologist and they went thru the fluids took from my follicles (gross I know) and what they found was good news. There was presence of these cells I will refer to as the "Hype" cells. Ha, no really.... they are cells inside the follicles that are the cheerleader cells for the eggs. And if they were absent then maybe my body wasn't growing eggs BUT they were there. SO.... my body is showing egg growth. NOW..... maybe this means they just wouldn't come out or maybe this means that we didn't have my medicines at the correct levels to promote growth. And what is crazy about all this is that a year ago other than myself having some lower estrogen levels this infertility diagnosis for us was a sperm problem. But lucky us now it seems that we are both dealing with a diagnosis. And he told us that due to this there is NO chance to get pregnant any other way.
SO what does this all mean?
Our doctor believes that by doubling our injections and medicine protocol and switching out a few medicines for others (among a list of other stuff) that we could very well have a successful IVF.
When?
My body needs 2-3 months to heal from what we just put it thru. So we haven't spoken with the IVF coordinator just yet but it would look like our IVF cycle #2 would be August. And both Matt and I are on board with trying again.
SOOOO??
You know it's weird, If you don't have anxiety this is hard to wrap your head around.... but I don't mean to hide my feelings about all of this, I haven't meant to "not process" what happened last week yet. But it's like I just can't. And sadly my body doesn't know what to do with all of it and so my anxiety since last week has been out of control. And in fact I have been breaking out in hives, even at the Thunder game on Monday while having fun... HIVES! I mean I want to say "NICOLE< Let's cry this out" but I don't work that way. So I am having a tough time in that regard, I am having a tough time moving forward. And ya, I am scared about doing this all again.... You know what they say, Ignorance is BLISS and this first cycle was that for me. But this time knowing everything before hand scares me because it's a lot. But I am willing to put myself thru this all again in the HOPE of a different outcome.
I can't take anything for my anxiety in preparation for this next cycle so I am trying to pray, deep breathes, acupuncture and blogging... you all know that getting it out is helpful for me.
Matt was upset last week but he is hopeful for this second try and is putting his positivity towards that already.
HOW?
This Summer Matt and I are going to focus on being healthy, taking our prescribed supplements, relaxation, NO stress is huge for my body, I will continue acupuncture and we are going to try to enjoy the Summer together. I am going to try to not focus on AUGUST AUGUST AUGUST because that is an anxiety minefield but that is easier said then done.

National Infertility Awareness Week......

Now you didn't think I would end this post without a lesson did you? hehe! For Infertility Awareness Week Refinery29.com did this post on What NOT to say and it is SOOOOOOO SPOT on. I told Matt before I left for Oklahoma that if ONE person told me to "Relax and let it happen naturally" I would loose my crap. #sorrynotsorry
But honestly even if you don't know check out this list and educate yourself on a LONG list of things that are HURTFUL and are NOT funny to those of us dealing with infertility. My husband tells me that people around him say these things to him at least ONCE a day, so this affects men too. What is he suppose to say... "You know we had no idea, you mean to tell me actually having sex while relaxed might get us pregnant?" When inside we want to tell you to STFU.
Remember 1 in 8 people are dealing with this, it could be your friend, family member co-worker and most are not vocal like I am. This isn't just a "me" issue, it's a 1 in 8 issue.
Click HERE to read this list!

Lastly, this quote kinda sums me up at the moment and I know a lot of friends can relate. Thank you so much for listening and supporting.

Strong

I know so many of you have been praying for our "Little Egg That Could" and there is no beating around the bush, our Little Egg That Could..... Couldn't. We got the call yesterday that our fertilized egg didn't divide and was in fact no longer viable. Thus ending our 1st IVF try.
I'm gonna be honest here I am not sure what to say, I will say that for a lot of people this doesn't work on the first try and that is part of the cruelty of this process. IVF is SO invasive and SO expensive and when it ends in a loss that is particularly hard. I think back to our 6 failed IUI's and the past 2 months during this IVF cycle and I think .... wow. I mean it's a lot. I also make a constant effort to remind myself how strong I am and how I have been able to go thru so much more than I ever thought I could over this past year. I am stronger than I know and so is Matt.

I'm also gonna be honest here and tell you neither Matt or I have really truly processed this information yet, we are a bit numb. Tomorrow we are going to meet with our Fertility team in the time slot that was to be our embryo transfer and we are going to discuss what went wrong and where to go from here. Are we candidates after this cycle to try this again? And if we take the Summer off is that counterproductive? Should we strike now while all the hormones are in my system? Those are all things we don't know and we hopefully will tomorrow. I think after that conversation we can process this better.
We are trying not to go down that rabbit hole of looking back over the past month and seeing what all I put myself thru and feeling sad, we are trying not to think about where are we going to get the funds to do this again?? Sadly, when IVF doesn't work the money put into it is a huge loss. BUT.... but.... this is one we do NOT regret at all, we are both in agreement of this.

Starting April 24-April 30 is Infertility Awareness week and the statistic is 1 in 8 couples have been medically diagnosed with infertility. Most people are not open like I am about this for good reason.... there is uneducated comments, judgement and many emotions that we open ourselves to when speaking about this. BUT it is that one email I receive and in fact did last week from a friend who told me how much I was helping them. That makes this worth it. The emotional component of dealing with other peoples emotions on this is something I was prepared for and I do struggle with.

I want to thank everyone of you who prayed and sent positive vibes to us during this past IVF cycle as well as the past 6 IUI's. And sadly we will continue to need your prayers as we decide what direction to head into next. But your support is so wonderful and we thank you. I also, We also want to thank everyone for your thoughts on the passing of our boy Oscar too. This past month has been BRUTAL but we are strong. Not one day goes by that we don't miss Oscar more than words and in fact this week I got the most beautiful gift I could have ever gotten...we got a custom portrait of our Oscar from a great friend and we couldn't cherish anything more.

I am gonna be off blogging for about a week.... Saturday since I am no longer going to be on bed rest from the embryo transfer I am heading to Oklahoma to celebrate my 35th Birthday with my family and to celebrate my baby sister at her Wedding shower. It's a quick 3 day trip, I don't want to be away from Matt for long but I am getting to cheer on my THUNDER at Mondays playoff game while I am home! SO if you are gonna be at the game I want you to reach out so I can say HELLO!!
So follow me on FB and Instagram for my trip home memories!

I will leave you all with this fitting quote......

The Little Egg That Could!

(pre-egg retrieval)

Saturday was my Egg Retrieval and I have to say that I am proud of myself I took the IV like a champ, I was really worried about that and if you know me then you know. I did have a mini-anxiety attack when I was taken into the surgical room, it was just all so real and that scared me. The anesthesiologist was holding my hand and told me that the medicine would burn really bad and I remember saying "my arm is on fire" and I was out. I woke up about 30 minutes later in recovery. Thats when the day took a turn, we were then told that we only had 1 egg. I cried, a lot....so did Matt and we made the nurse cry. You see everyone is different but mostly people will have anywhere from 14-30 eggs. And you all even saw my ultrasound photos in the last post... everything looked great but those follicles were empty. All my blood work showed the indication that my egg growth was on par and we don't know why this was the case but it was. Normally over 1/2 the eggs retrieved will die so only having 1, it's the worst case scenario. I mean 1?

SO after I was well enough to get dressed they sent me home and I slept the whole day, I was cramping and groggy. Saturday the embryologist called to tell us that my ONE egg was a Mature good egg! Great news! Then yesterday I got the call that the "Little Egg That Could" survived the night and was fertilized with Matt's sperm!! SO on the picture below my Egg has made it thru Day 1 of 5!! I will get a call today to see if the cells have started dividing to make an embryo. We have to have this little egg survive to Day 5, when we will transfer the embryo back inside of me. 

You know all weekend I wasn't sure if I was going to share this news with everyone, but it is part of my journey and I want to show that not everything goes according to plan. I gave myself Saturday to be sad and depressed and now I am trying to be positive that this little miracle egg will survive it's journey and do it's job. I also wasn't going to share this because I felt embarrassment, like all my "cycle sisters" I have found on Instagram they all had 24-30 eggs and like 14 fertilized, I feel inadequate. It's stupid I know, my journey is my own and we don't know why this happened. But I ultimately decided to share what happened with you all because this "Little Egg That Could" needs all the prayers and positive vibes it can sent it's way!
I know you all are wondering what happens if this egg doesn't survive the 5 days? Then we are done. For now.
What is happening with me this week? Well I am still VERY bloated and cramping from this weekend. I am so uncomfortable I feel like at any moment my abdomen will burst open and an Alien will pop out just like in the movie! haha! Also I start prepping my body for the transfer with more injections, oral medicine and vaginal gel (gross, I know). And I am going to acupuncture today as well.
I want to thank everyone who reached out this weekend, your thoughts and prayers were so appreciated, knowing so many people have our back is such a nice feeling. And to all the prayer warriors I had this weekend, my friends, my home church in Oklahoma it helped. Thank you. And now let's keep it up, let's all pray for my LITTLE EGG THAT COULD

IVF, Egg Retrieval

40 is the number is Stimulation injections that Matt has given me since March 31. And this morning was my last Stim shot but we are far from over with injections. The picture below best depicts last night, I am over the shots and apparently my body is also. It took Matt 5 stabs for 3 injections.... we always work around the veins in my thighs but last night he stabbed and BOOM blood gushing, so we had to find a new place. Then on injection #3 the needle literally would NOT go into my stomach. Ya, this picture is a dramatic interpretation but I cried, a lot. 

 This morning was my 3rd Ultrasound this week and 3rd round of Blood Work this week, I look like a junkie, my arms are shot. This morning my doctor decided that my follicles (which are in my ovaries and hold the eggs) are mature enough to move forward. I have a good number of follicles and in the past 14 days I have literally gained 7 pounds in ovaries and bloating... I am FULL and uncomfortable.

 Here are 2 pictures I got to take home of a few of my follicles.... the large circles is what you are looking at and inside those pouches are the eggs. If you ask me I think the pictures looks like Horror mask from the movie Scream.. It made me laugh. Creepy mc Creeperson....

Tonight Matt will give me a HUGE shot called a Trigger which will tell my ovaries it's GO TIME. And over the next 36 hours I will prep my body for the Egg Retrieval procedure. And below is what is going to happen, so we can all learn a little something together. I will go to an out patient hospital Saturday morning where I will be put under anesthesia for the 30 minute procedure. Below you can see that they will use a needle/suction to extract out the eggs. Once it is over I will be in recovery for about 1 1/2 hours and then home to recover for the rest of the weekend. That is the simplest explanation I can give....

I will say I am SUPER worked up about the procedure, the IVF, the anesthesia and the pain level. I know it is a minor out patient procedure but all of this process is really stretching what I am comfortable with and I am very nervous. It's just my anxiety that is getting to me and I can't control that nor can I take anything to help with it... bumms
What happens after? I will do a post more than likely on Monday to update everyone but over the following 5 days the Embryologist will combine my mature eggs with Matts sperm in the lab and watch them grow to see how many viable embryos we will have to work with. Then next Thursday I will have the embryo transfer.
Thank you all for following along with us on this journey and like always it makes me happy when people reach out say they are learning something they didn't know before. Or that I have helped you to realize what other friends of yours have gone thru... You know me, I am an open book. Just please send your positive thoughts that we will get enough mature eggs to work with and send your calming vibes to me that I can get thru the next week stress free!
xo

IVF, Part 2 Injections

Last week was my first official IVF post and you can catch up on that if you missed it by clicking HERE. The post got a lot of positive feedback and a lot of you told me you had no idea what all went into this and that is EXACTLY why I am doing these posts. Because how could you? So this week we are in the middle of the cycle and I am currently feeling like crap!!! I have had a raging non-stop headache since the first shot went into my leg and I am told that is normal! wah wah! I have been on 1 daily injectable now for almost 2 weeks and Saturday we started the Stimulation injections which are 4 per day. But let me back up... I will be going to the doctor about every 3-4 days for a blood draw to see if the medicine dosage is correct and how it is effecting my body. Each time I go in I also have an ultrasound to see how my follicles are growing. I did that on Friday and then this morning again. I will wait for todays phone call around 5pm to see if I need to change up any of my dosages. 

 All these bad boys are Stimulation injectables....... which are going to Stimulate my ovaries into mega production mode. So hopefully by the end of next week we will schedule our egg retrieval. These medicines give me headaches, will make me gain weight, make me bloated and they make me cramp... which I am told is all signs they are doing their job! YAY (sarcasm)

Now about 1 1/2 years ago before this all started I passed out when I gave blood, I also had mild panic attacks when given a shot and now I can't believe I am letting Matt stab me 4 times a day. At least once a day I try to tell myself I am proud and strong and look how far I have come. It's true. NOW... I am not saying these shots are easy.... they are not and in fact I spend all day consumed about when we will do it again, it is mentally exhausting. I wanted to show you all what we do each evening and yes we do 1 shot in the morning as well. And the times HAVE to be 7am and 7pm, very strict protocol! Tonight we were going to either go to the Okc Thunder game here in Denver or see the Long Island Medium Teresa Caputo but the times don't work with my shots. But thats just a drop in the bucket these days.
I will do this routine for at least 7 more days.........
Now please ignore the amount of skin in this video.... there was no way around it, no judgement!!


SO that is what I am doing everyday.

IVF

As you know I have committed to sharing this process with you all for several reasons. One being I can't personally go thru something so big and consuming and not talk about it and second because to no fault of your own most people have no clue. Heck I had no clue about any of this until a year or so ago. A lot of you have come to me asking questions and really walking away with a better sense of what so many couples go thru. Ya ya ya... I know it makes some people uncomfortable, this is "private" well then that weirdness lies within you not me. Let's jump into this thus far........

Last Monday this all kicked off for me and I was a little more prepared then most since we went thru 6 failed IUI's and I really got to know my team well which is so helpful for me. Last Monday I went in for the FDA mandated infectious disease testing, blood type test, chicken pox and measles immunity testing and that involved 5 vials of blood. That is the most I have ever given and since this was literally 3 days after Oscar passed I cried the entire time... over stress, Oscar and being scared about giving blood. BUT on the bright side I was so caught up in my emotional mess the Blood work was a breeze! ha! Second I had to have a sort of IVF trial run where the doctor in a sense "maps" out my whole insides ahead of the procedure day... all on a crazy full bladder for some weird reason... it sucked. Then I had my uterine lining "priming" which they call a Scratch test and it was as awful as it sounds! And no one told me IT HURT...I was totally NOT prepared for that at ALL, it shocked me. I cramped and bleed for a bit after the procedure. bleh. 

Tuesday Matt and I went in together for all of our consent paperwork as well as our Injectable class which luckily our clinic does this one on one with us. It was helpful and overwhelming all at the same time. And behold is a scene from our class as well as what $9552.00 in medicine looks like. NO JOKE, luckily our insurance covered a large portion of this............And thank God when Matt saw the medicine invoice I thought he was going to pass out! LOL

So at home I have this awesome cooler in the kitchen as well as medicine taking up a shelf in my fridge. For the past week I have been having 1 shot per day which was a nice ease up to this Friday when I will begin 4 shots a day for several weeks. Plus oral medicine and eventually vaginal medicine. They are time sensitive to so it's a lot to keep track of.

 Hence my handy dandy calendar which Matt laminated for me and is on our fridge! This Friday I go in for an ultrasound to check on my ovaries and more blood work. I am also doing Acupuncture once a week leading up to the second procedure as per directed by my doctor. Doing accupnuture one month leading up to IVF, as well as before and after your embryo transfer is said to increase pregnancy by 40% so we will take it!

So that is where we are as of now and now I need to do a little political/religious rant for y'all!
Several times we have been told "I wish you would just relax and pray to God and he will make this happen for you" and let me put it this way for you ........ We are diagnosed with a medical condition called infertility and given the 2% chance that we could ever manage to conceive on our own. So please tell me how this is any different then say this........
A person breaks their leg and is told that if they do nothing there is a 2% chance that it will heal on its own... so imagine someone saying to them " I wish you would just let your leg be, relax and pray about it". That's crazy, God gave us Doctors. When would you advise a cancer patient you love to stop doing the treatment that they are all for and just pray... only crazy people do that. I'm just trying to put this into something people can understand. It's seems more clear now doesn't it?

On Board with IVF

If you follow me on Instagram then you know that on Saturday we found out our last IUI (#6) didn't work and ya, that sucked. I have told you that each month since the beginning has been different and I have different feelings each month. This month was more scared, scared of what is next. Matt and I spent sometime this weekend discussing, I talked to our personal IVF specialist yesterday for an hour and then today we both went in to talk to the doctor and make our final decision. 

We are doing IVF........Luckily we were already proactive and on the wait list so we started everything today. 

 Today we both had to do a ton of blood work, I had an ultrasound to make sure everything is going ok inside and I got my Birth Control pills. What you saying?? I know super weird but the 3 weeks leading up to your first IVF cycle you take Birth control to regulate your cycle and suppress your follicle growth. It's funny, I haven't been on Birth Control in like 6 years and who knew... it's free now!

 Most people do not know what IVF is and why it is so scary, so I am not only going to blog about the process but here is the jest for now......

Starting after the birth control pills I will be doing around 4 home injections a day for a few weeks, every other day blood work and ultrasounds until my follicles are in a good place. Then what scares me most is that in the hospital I will be put under sedation to remove my eggs with a few days recovery time. Then like the chart above the embryologist in the lab will do their job. When we have successfully fertilized my eggs we will put 2 (hopefully 2 will survive) embryos back in me in another procedure. I will then be on bed rest for 3 days and any remaining embryos that have survived Matt and I will have frozen.
Of course the full payment is due before all this happens so we are working on that and prepping my body and mind for what is to come.
I need to work on reducing any stress and anxiety in my life and I am starting with acupuncture next week, recommended by my specialist. Fertility acupuncture the month before greatly increases the chances for pregnancy. And in fact it is in our plan to have an acupuncturist at the embryo implantation.
It's overwhelming isn't it? I am scared but I knew people who have done this and are doing this right now, so that is helpful. I also hope my posts will help others in this situation... if you have ANY questions don't hesitate to reach out! And something our specialist told me is that other than a couple dealing with cancer, infertility is the next highest stress according to this study. There are so many factors... the invasiveness, the disappointment, the financial commitment, your stress on the marriage, how your family adds or doesn't add to the process.... it's a lot and my brain is so full.