We are 1 in 8

This week is National infertility week and Matt and I are 1 in 8. I look back at our journey over the years and the raw posts I did on here and one good thing that came out of all of this is the awareness I raised. I will also remember the friends who reached out and said I did that too but I can't talk about it thanks for your honesty, the people who reached out and said I never knew and all of that makes me proud. The majority of our journey is linked HERE http://www.okiealamode.com/search/label/infertility

So take some time if you do not know our journey or want to recap because it is all too much for me to rewrite on this post!

 For those of you wondering, YES I do still have all my "Participation Trophies" They are under my sink and when I come across them I don't feel loss I feel proud. Look what I did, look at what I was willing to do. I made it thru that. WE made it thru. Infertility is very hard on a marriage. I have said this before and I stand by it, we were at our closest during all of this... yes a lot because Matt had to come home to give me shots, we had to make decisions together and mostly because we were working towards this common goal. And after going thru all of this we are still trying to find a new balance to US, still trying to find a new common goal and navigating the ways each of us processes this different.

 To learn more about Infertility and to educate yourself you can click HERE
It is so hard to believe that this picture was taken exactly 2 years ago this month. Where has the time gone? What have I don't since, LOL?

I have talked a lot over the years about what to say and what not to say and we still hear it all. I do not mind at all when people have questions or even ask "What have you decided to do now"? That is all normal. But some people say .....

Why haven't you adopted yet?

Don't you still want a family?

Do you wish you had done a IVF #3?

And it goes on and on. I have said this since day one.... Matt and I are NOT opposed to adoption and never have been and we still can. But currently navigating life and figuring out if this is something we still want is complex. And adoption isn't free. 

I will say I am as nice as could be when people say "Maybe now that you are relaxed it will happen"... I smile and say you never know. BUT like this picture below "Just relax" is never well received by anyone going thru infertility.... trust me. 

Reach out to your friends who are dealing with Infertility.... be kind and patient because everyone's journey is different.

Infertility

 Hey guys.... TGIF!! SOOOOO I have news..... I got a TATTOO! This is my 3rd and that is something I thought I would never say! LOL! But this wasn't a spur of the moment but something I have been thinking about for months! My good friend Rebecca was nice enough to come with me, which made it much more fun!!

The next pictures I call the many faces of pain. And I get it... this is a small tattoo and I am being a baby but you guys, the inside of your bicep is soft and I GREATLY underestimated the amount of pain. I got nauseous and had tears brought to my eyes! Luckily it only took a little over 30 minutes to complete this. 

 This is the Tattoo artist is who did my weenie dog for Oscar last year and when I showed him my ideas he took them and created something new that would look good. I trusted that he clearly knows best and he was so kind when I made him change the placement of the tattoo like 3 times before we started!! Look at my face... speaking of weenies, I look like a HUGE one.........

 This is the look of I HAD NO IDEA IT WOULD HURT THIS BAD combined with not breathing. Rebecca was a wonderful photographer, thanks friend!

SO here she is....... This is 9 Chevron/Arrowheads and each one represents an infertility procedure. 7 IUI's and 2 Rounds of IVF. They are in a row because as you go up it changes you and the pain from the tattoo reflects the pain of everything we went thru. This is also a play off of the Military ranking system... the more "Chevrons" you have the higher the rank and the more I went thru the more it changes you. This is also a reminder that I am MUCH stronger than I though I was and that I/we did everything we could. I did it, I survived what I thought at times I wound't. And I love that you wound't know the meaning of this unless I told you. 

OH ya, it hurts today... thats for sure and I will show more pictures as the swelling goes down and you can see the actual tattoo better. Maybe this will help bring me closure? That would be nice. 

Anyways..... I DID IT! ARGH!!!!!!

H.R. 586

In past few days President Trump has been signing a lot of things and the infertility community is worried that the rumblings of H.R. 586 will be next. What most people know is that is an abortion law but it is SOOOO much more than that.

We all know I did 7 IUI's and 2 rounds of IVF and I know COUNTLESS friends who have children because of IVF or are expecting right now all because of IVF. But what if IVF was banned? MY hopes of having children would have been stopped sooner and so many beautiful friends of mine would not have their children, I mean .... could you IMAGINE? Could you imagine knowing science could help couples have children but saying NO you can't do this anymore because this ill-thought bill becomes law?

Don't believe me? Read on to educate yourself.......

While President Donald Trump has been busily signing Executive Orders, he's not the only lawmaker getting to work in Washington. Meet H.R. 586, the Sanctity of Human Life Act. Introduced by Republican Rep. Jody Hice from Georgia's 10th district, the bill seeks to define that "the life of each human being begins with fertilization," and, more alarmingly so, that even a "one-celled embryo" is a "a new unique human being." H.R. 586 is a classic personhood bill that goes directly against science, so how would this personhood bill affect IVF? If H.R. 586 were to become law, it would effectively ban the practice of in vitro fertilization entirely in the United States......

To learn more about this and what you can do please head on over to read the rest of this informative article HERE
Share that post and this post because I can't imagine if people in my position were not allowed to try to and have a family of their own. 

Step ONE

Step ONE
Since our last failed IVF in August I have been starring at my unused infertility meds in the fridge. And ya, I was able to share some with 2 people already but I wanted it ALL GONE. So this week I packed it all up and shipped it all to California. I met a lot of friends on Instagram during this whole process and I was able to give everything to someone who will be going thru IVF at some point this year. It really does feel good helping someone out and I love that I will be able to follow her journey and hopefully something good can come out of all of this medicine!
I tried to shed some of the mental weight of all of this when I shipped those meds and only time will tell if it worked.

Step TWO
Last year injecting myself with flipping HUMAN GROWTH HORMONE is bound to cause one to gain weight and overall I gained about 10 pounds back last year. NOW the only good thing about my Wisdom Teeth surgery was that I lost 9 pounds in that week. So that was a blessing and now I want to loose an additional 3 pounds and then focus again on maintaining this year. So it was nice to get a little head start on step two!

Anyways just wanted to share with you all a little bit about my 2017 journey thus far!!!

Decisions.... dum dum duuummmm

I wanted to open up to you guys today for a few reasons.......
1. Spilling my guts on here is therapeutic for me
2. I want to share with you all and be open about everything because of the feedback I have received over these few years.... it helps people and that helps me!
3. And You all... our family, our friends and our wonderful supporters online matter to us.

A few weeks ago Matt and I had a very real and very hard conversation about our future and what we want it to hold. But the future for us is the next year only, dealing with infertility it is best to only plan a year at a time we have found out. Mostly because so many different factors go into this and things can change on a dime. You know no one gives you a manual on how to deal with the news that you will never have biological children and then no one robs a bank for you either. So ya, money is a huge factor in this decision but we honestly set that aside and talked about how we feel. If we robbed a bank and got $30,000 plus in our laps would this decision change... maybe. But we don't actually know and for now we both feel at peace with our decision.

We decided that for the next year we are going to be US. It has been YEARS since we have lived without trying to conceive, years since we were not constantly sticking me with needles, emptying bank accounts on medical intervention and years since we stopped tracking time by my period. And trust me no one wants to count time by their period! HA! So this next year we are going to focus on US. Live our lives, focus on our careers, love on our fur-animals, go on vacations (I hope) and celebrate our 10 YEAR wedding anniversary next year. Then after our 10 year anniversary we will sit down and see where we are and how we feel. Matt mentioned that maybe we don't have children and I feel the same but in this space is that just the residual grief talking? Or in a year will we want to move forward with adoption? I can't answer that. What I can answer is that is has been just the 2 of us for 11 years this Christmas. Our first date was 11 years ago and we have come out ok(ish) LOL!!!!! Now, we do want to try and save.. I hope to sell a few houses so we can save money but first for us to have a savings again. We have like $300 in savings because of how much we spent this past year on 7 IUI's and 2 IVF's. We also want to finish our basement but we will see. So next year we are going to STOP revolving our lives solely on if we are pregnant. And ya, we both have a lot of healing to do.

I need people to know that especially like this past week when SO many friends announced their pregnancies I am truly happy for you. Why would I not be, I know how hard it is to get pregnant so YAY you, for real! SO very happy for you... your future baby has no bearing on my situation although people seem to think it must. The only thing is it makes me think.... will I ever get to "announce" we are having a child one day? Will I be ok if we never do? And those are valid questions to ask myself. And who knows that answer! And I hate how this situation, something I cannot control effects the way people are to me/us.. So stop it you guys! No, neither of us have officially dealt with the ramifications of the past few years but how do you? Really, how are you suppose to? For me I think all my emotions have been channeling into anger, which I don't like. Anger at situations and people who just act as if my life never happened, anger to those who cannot seem to not even once acknowledge what we have been thru. It doesn't take much time or effort to say "Hi, I love you, I am sorry." But it clearly must be...... I can't seem to move past it, I stew in it and I hate myself for it.

SO that is where we are, I did ask my Mom to stop saying "But you all would have the most beautiful baby ever, we will never see that" I know Mom, I know you are hurting too but that isn't good for any of us to hear anymore. And thats the truth, that is where we are and how we are moving forward as a couple. I still have some expensive IVF meds in my fridge, I am gonna offer them up again to anyone who wants them before I throw them out. I have loved helping 2 other girls with free meds, I like the thought that something good is coming out of our situation.

How am I?

Hey friends, first of all TGIF!! Second thank you to all of you who have recently reached out and asked "How are you"? I appreciate you thinking about me and Matt, because you don't just wake up the next morning and forget everything, although I think some people must think that.

This is a weird question "How are You"...... I am ok. Just ok.
* Physically? I am feeling like myself.... about 2 weeks ago I noticed that the hormones and drugs must be out of my system because the dizziness has left and I feel like my old self again (Hello, welcome back migraines) This might be TMI but I just had my period again since this and that is good, my body is getting back to the normal cycle of things.

* Have Matt and I discussed moving forward? Yes, we finally had a talk about all of this... Matt doesn't like talking about negative things but this is our life and I need it. We have made a decision, more like 1/2 a decision. We eliminated an option but now is not the time to share that because it is still raw within us. No, we are not doing anything currently to move forward right now but eliminating one direction is helpful.

* "How am I doing"? I am doing ok, I have thrown myself into planning this fun vacation next week and looking forward to meeting my friend Nicole in LA the following weekend for a girls getaway. It's nice having somethings to look forward to!! Here is what is so hard......
We went from our soul focus for over 2 years was trying to have a baby to this... nothingness.
We went from 1 SOLID year of infertility treatments, shots, doctor appts to this....nothingness.

 During the past year each disappointment is pushed aside because literally days later you are starting another round or procedure and you need your focus to be positive.... SO now it seems like all of this is slowly creeping up on me. And it is doing so thru my old pal... ANXIETY. Somedays I am good but somedays it is so out of control I can't take it. At night I can hear my heartbeat in my ears and my old pal the elephant is back to sitting on my chest. I literally cannot sleep right now without taking an over the counter sleep aid. The anxiety is unreal and it has been over 2 years since I have been on anything to control it, I had to get off everything to try to have a baby and now I am reluctant to start up taking things again. I don't want to but I might have to. Anxiety is my bodies way of holding onto things and I can't do anything about it. I am drowning a little in the "what should I do" phase but I dunno, thats the answer... I don't know what to do about it.
Second I am still dealing with anger, anger towards "certain situations" that have arisen from this past year. You can forgive and try to move on but it changes things, permanently. I hate being so vague with you all because I am never like this but I have to be. My anger over issues I am afraid will result in me not being the same again towards certain things. Or people if you must know. It's sad, because I am not that way but I just can't .... I just can't let is slide I guess would be a good phrase. ugh. moving on...........
Here is the jest of what I told Matt, this is 100% a death, this is the biggest life moment we have had together. We must both now find a way to mourn the life that could have been. Move on and Mourn the fact that we will NEVER have a biological child, and it is a death of "what could have been". And it has to be processed but there isn't a handbook per say on how to do this. We have to struggle in this and hopefully move on.
SO I guess that is how I am doing inside. Outside, I am ok. My favorite word, Ok. I am ok.

Failure (LONG post ahead)

This right here folks is what 7 Failed IUI's and 2 Failed IVF cycles look like in real life...........

 Oh ya, I am the proud recipient of each of those needles and honestly I will keep them. Possibly forever as a reminder of how strong I am and what we went thru. I know it sounds weird but if you have been thru it you'll get it. This is my participation trophy.

I use "most likely" a lot in this post and what I mean is there is always a .01% chance of a miracle.

SO last week in my IVF update post HERE  I told you all that after our IVF egg retrieval was cancelled my doctor did one last "Hail Mary" by inseminating me via our 7th IUI. Technically we shouldn't know if it worked or not until THIS coming weekend but my body decided that it didn't want us waiting around on pins and needles (ha) and it gave me the answer this weekend.... I started my period. So no, our 7th IUI has also failed. Starting my period 9 days early is crazy but not so bizarre, it's like after IVF your body is so mad at you that it literally wants everything out (gross, I know) so my period saying HOLA early isn't unusual. I have called my doctors office and informed them and we now have our follow up appointment/ discuss optional next steps THIS Thursday at 4:30.

What does this mean? We knew going into this IVF cycle that if these changes in medicines produced better results than last time but didn't work that we could possibly do a 3rd cycle. But we also knew that if this cycle didn't produce positive and better results than last time that "most likely" I would no longer be a candidate for IVF. And I shared that information with you all a few months ago. Since starting my period this weekend I am going to be honest we haven't had time to discuss this together, Matt and I nor have we had time to process what we are feeling. But oddly yesterday both of us felt like lying on the couch and watching movies all day. It was an unspoken feeling that we both needed a day to relax and give our brains a break.

How do you process that you just found out that you will "most likely" never have a biological child. Or at least not one from us both. You see after trying for 1 year and then 1 FULL year of infertility treatments this started out as a sperm problem then once we really got into IVF we realized this is an egg problem. Sperm, is an "easier" solution, you just need 1 good one of out the thousand you are given. But if you body doesn't give you an egg.... then your screwed. (or not screwed, hello... is this mic on? I'm trying to lighten the mood) SO we are going to learn more about an egg donor on Thursday. But even with an egg donor and if that becomes an embryo with the sperm I will still have to go thru an IVF cycle to "prep" my body for the embryo and I am going to be honest with you all as I have been with Matt........ I am not sure I can do it again. It sounds so easy when you type it out, like come on Nicole but after this last cycle and almost ending up in the ER, it's hard to describe but you guys I was so sick I cannot put it into words. I gave this MORE than a college try... ONE FULL YEAR of infertility treatments, needles, painful procedures, disappointment, money. And yes, WE both did this together but it's the women body who does all the heavy lifting. So ya, I talk in first person instead of we. I am 100% into learning more about the alternative options and my husband is someone who needs to exhaust everything before moving on, so we shall and we will.

Now, before someone comments and says "Why don't you JUST adopt" let me talk. Absolutely. It has always been something I am 100% open to. But we had to go down this path first, like I said exhaust all our options before moving in that direction. Am I ready to move to that path? Yes, I honestly think I am. But it is so complicated....... First of all after all we spent this past year where are we going to get $30,000-$40,000 to adopt? That doesn't magically happen and we haven't discussed this option yet between us, I am just speaking on the cuff here. Matt needs to focus on what is currently going on and not talk about what if. I like to talk about what if. We need to have this conversation about egg donor with our doctor on Thursday first, learn about that before Matt can have this second conversation with me also. If we choose this path of adoption we will need time to mourn. We haven't even had time to mourn what we found out this weekend. Time to grieve for what could have been, time to get our minds right before moving in a new direction. Infertility is so emotional in so many ways that you can't understand unless you go thru it. It is complicated and complex on a marriage also, we all deal with things differently. Me... sadly I have a hard time expressing emotion, hard time grieving this loss... I told my bestie on the phone last week I just "Can't" and she said she has cried everyday for me and I told her to keep it up.... express those emotions for me. ha! But for real. I push things down deep inside and they bubble up as anxiety....it's who I am. Matt doesn't like to discuss the negative and for him it bubbles up as rage. We are all different people and I know people who have done all this and it comes out differently for them too. I will say this time, this past week I have been MAD.... mad at the situation, mad at myself and mad at other people too. Why don't they understand what I am going thru I think and I get mad.... it's all so hard. And being sooooo honest and real on here is hard. I worry about people who will judge, who will think..... who the hell knows what they could think.....

But you know WHY I do this?????? Because over the past year as I walk you thru this process of mine I have gotten countless messages from friends who thank me. Because they did this and see themselves in me, friends who are doing this and don't know anyone else who feels like they do and people who are learning about what their friends and family have gone thru. THATS why I do this......
Sometimes I think maybe that is why I went thru all this, maybe I am a small voice for those who can't speak up about this. Who knows.

I will obviously let you all know how Thursday goes and what we learn our next steps could be, because I am an "over-sharer". HA! But really, I would like to hope Matt and I can spent some time learning about options and then pick one to put our positive thoughts and efforts towards. This wading in the water isn't my jam.
Once again thank you all for your kinds words and prayers... Thank you to my parents Sunday School class especially for all your prayers, I appreciate it. And right now pray that God can help us each work thru our own process of grief and that we can see clearly on what the next steps for us will be. And ya, more than anything I would LOVE to see what a small human made up of both Matt and I could be. Would it be a dancer? A baseball player like Matt? Would it be chatty like me? Who would it look like? Would he or she be blonde and have blue eyes like Matt and I? What personality traits of mine would they have or would they be more like Matt? And we will always have to grieve that, work thru getting past that and it will be something we will always have to continue to work thru.

XO-

SaveSave

IVF, What Happened

Hey All I am sorry that this post is days late but I have been and still am the sickest I have EVER been. Really, like beyond sick. BUT let's back up to last week.................

This cycle we did different hormones because the last cycle didn't produce enough eggs so if you remember my doctor said we would try things differently and if we get good results then... Great, hopefully we can make a baby but if we get bad results then most likely I am not a candidate for IVF and we would not move on past Cycle 2. Sadly, on Thursday we learned the latter. The combination of the medicine that I was injecting into me was killing my body this time and Thursday I woke up sick as a dog, so sick that Matt literally had to undress me, help me walk, literally inject me while I was in bed while I was crying. So by the time we made it to the doctors office I was in a bad state. And we knew as soon as the ultrasound wand was inside me that my follicles didn't grow enough. I cried because I was sick, I cried because I was sad and I cried because I tried so hard. They waited a few hours for my blood work to come back but we both knew that the call was that the cycle was canceled. BUT what I didn't put on Facebook because I didn't want to use the insemination on Facebook was that they had us come back Friday morning for an IUI. We did 6 of these if you remember, none of them worked but they/we wanted to try anything that would give us hope out of this mess. So yes, there is a chance this worked and I could be pregnant and we will find out in a few weeks but honestly I have been so sick I can't even put good vibes towards that right now. And I appreciate our doctor trying to pull a hail mary and give us something.... anything that could work.

The thing that is hard to grasp when an IVF fails is much like last time.... the amount of money for one that is now gone, the time, the emotions, the injections.... everything we did and it didn't work. And this time what I put my body thru and how sick I am..... IVF is something you would never wish on anyone, you don't know until you have done it. Last week I was in bed Thursday morning thru Yesterday. We have to wait until these hormones pass out of my system, we have to wait until this painful excessive bloating goes down... I currently look about 5 months pregnant but it is just painful fluids and the weight of my stimulated ovaries. Yesterday my doctor said if I got worse over night that Matt needed to take me to the ER, luckily I am about the same so I was able to avoid that.

I think one thing about being so sick is that I haven't been able to process this all yet, process that most likely on Thursday I found out I will never have a biological child. So many emotions go with that, its like I am on FB this weekend and everyone is living their BEST life, you know what I mean... so #blessed and I am living in the worst part of mine and I realize that life goes on and the world isn't going to stop because I am in a valley right now. I am in a place currently where I can't deal at the moment with other peoples stuff, ya know what I mean? I need time to deal with my stuff and I am sorry but I can't deal with your life right now too. Am I rambling?

OK ok.... moving on. So in a few weeks once we know if this IUI works or not we will then have our meeting with our doctor to discuss what happened and what is next. There are a few things on the table but I am not sure at this point at least I want to do anything more again. I am not sure I can. I am a planner so hopefully soon Matt and I will know the options, have our time to process and discuss and then have a new plan. A new plan that we can move towards.

Lastly, thank you all so much for your kind words and prayers. We truly appreciate it, very much so. I am heading back to bed.... you know it's bad when even you cat is tired of you taking up space in the bed 24/7.

IVF Prayers Needed!!!!!

 Hi Guys, I have my IVF update ready for you and I will try to explain everything the best I can like always, I want to educate.
Today is Injection Day #8, we are doing ok... my thighs are covered in bruises from injections and I am very swollen and uncomfortable. I have a headache 24/7 and I am still feeling very light headed. Luckily I only had 1 fainting spell last week, my first one ever. These meds are hard on our bodies and the amount of Human Growth Hormone I am taking this time literally wants to take me down. I didn't take this last time so it's new to me and my body.

This morning was my 4th Ultrasound and Bloodwork set for this cycle and I was nervous... nervous about the follicle growth and about giving blood on my already very bruised arms.... That wand in the picture and I are besties! LOL

I showed you all this last week and explained that these injections and oral meds I am on are Stimulants.... to stimulate my follicle growth. Those grey things are the ovaries, the holes are the follicles and inside them the eggs grow and that shows how they will be removed during surgery. 

 This is what the internal ultrasound looks like, the black spots are the follicles.... (this isn't mine, it's an example) Every woman is different but you want at least 10-15 Follicles ranging from 15-18millimeters. And if you don't get there then the egg retrieval will not happen. Are you all with me?

Today.....
I was a late developer last time too, they know that and I know that but today wasn't great. I have only 1 follicle that is ranging at 14mil and then I have 6 baby ones ranging around 5mil. They gave me a different shot in the office right then and I will be adding this 5th injection to my daily routine now to help them grow. But we are also on a time frame.... a women's clock, you only have so many days to get all this done. So.... Wednesday is due or die..... if we see substantial growth, GREAT then we will most likely keep injections for 1 more day before we schedule the surgery. BUT if we do not see growth like the specialists need to see then this cycle will be done and I will most likely not be a candidate to try again. They have to tell you the worst case so we know. But I can't have done all this and..... then.... nothing.

SO....... My body has just a couple of days to DO THIS! I am asking for a specific prayer......
Please pray that my follicle growth is fast, that they will catch up and all be around 15-18mil. Please pray then that those follicles will house good mature eggs inside that we can use to make our baby.
I hate asking for things, I hate this but I honest to goodness know we need this help right now. I am thinking only that it will happen. Come on body....... DO YOUR THANG!!!!!!!!

We really want to get to this next step...... where we have good viable eggs in those follicles so they can meet up in a lab and make us a baby.

Thank you ahead of time for your prayers. I will be positive and I will look forward to the good. I will update you all on Wednesday. In the meantime I am trying to relax, stay positive and rest.  And Matt has stabbed me almost 40 times so far this cycle with needles and he's doing great, thats his part for now and we have a routine down.

It Has Begun...

Hi Guys, Happy Monday! So it has officially begun.... IVF Cycle #2 that is. Friday I went in for Bloodwork and my baseline ultrasound and everything looked as it should. So yesterday we began injections. This time we are switching things up to hopefully get a positive outcome so getting use to using the new medicine was difficult yesterday.... it only resulted in 1 page to the Doctor on a Sunday morning! ha! 

SO one of the medicines we are doing this time is HGH, Human Growth Hormone and sadly last week we learned on our way home from Boston that Insurance refuses to cover it and we had to cough up $2,000 on the spot. Like literally in the airport boarding the plane.... So that sucked.... what also sucks is that at the injection site my thigh burned ALL day yesterday. It was sucky. My body is getting use to everything being in my system so I am dealing with a 24 hour a day headache and over all..... yucky-ness. But it's only day 2. 

Over the last month I asked specifically for your prayers in helping my anxiety about this round. And I have to say it's helping.... YOU ARE helping, my anxiety has been much better than I thought it would be thus far. I am also trying really hard to use positive affirmations.... like after giving blood last Friday I told myself over and over "how brave I was" or "How easy I made that".... the logic is that if I try to give myself a positive vibe the anxiety will hopefully not build up each time. We shall see! I do ask that you continue to pray for my anxiety. 

I also ask for a very specific prayer..... below is your girlie parts.....The goal of all these injections is growing as many follicles as possible, I had 15 last time. But sadly they were empty of eggs but ONE. So I ask that we all specifically pray that the follicles will be full of healthy eggs. That they will not be empty. I really appreciate it, I think getting as specific as we can will be helpful!

I will keep you all update like last time.... to help educate, inform and update everyone who wants to be. ALSO.... I will posting all the Boston pics and stories all week too!!! Stay tuned!