We are 1 in 8

This week is National infertility week and Matt and I are 1 in 8. I look back at our journey over the years and the raw posts I did on here and one good thing that came out of all of this is the awareness I raised. I will also remember the friends who reached out and said I did that too but I can't talk about it thanks for your honesty, the people who reached out and said I never knew and all of that makes me proud. The majority of our journey is linked HERE http://www.okiealamode.com/search/label/infertility

So take some time if you do not know our journey or want to recap because it is all too much for me to rewrite on this post!

 For those of you wondering, YES I do still have all my "Participation Trophies" They are under my sink and when I come across them I don't feel loss I feel proud. Look what I did, look at what I was willing to do. I made it thru that. WE made it thru. Infertility is very hard on a marriage. I have said this before and I stand by it, we were at our closest during all of this... yes a lot because Matt had to come home to give me shots, we had to make decisions together and mostly because we were working towards this common goal. And after going thru all of this we are still trying to find a new balance to US, still trying to find a new common goal and navigating the ways each of us processes this different.

 To learn more about Infertility and to educate yourself you can click HERE
It is so hard to believe that this picture was taken exactly 2 years ago this month. Where has the time gone? What have I don't since, LOL?

I have talked a lot over the years about what to say and what not to say and we still hear it all. I do not mind at all when people have questions or even ask "What have you decided to do now"? That is all normal. But some people say .....

Why haven't you adopted yet?

Don't you still want a family?

Do you wish you had done a IVF #3?

And it goes on and on. I have said this since day one.... Matt and I are NOT opposed to adoption and never have been and we still can. But currently navigating life and figuring out if this is something we still want is complex. And adoption isn't free. 

I will say I am as nice as could be when people say "Maybe now that you are relaxed it will happen"... I smile and say you never know. BUT like this picture below "Just relax" is never well received by anyone going thru infertility.... trust me. 

Reach out to your friends who are dealing with Infertility.... be kind and patient because everyone's journey is different.

Infertility

 Hey guys.... TGIF!! SOOOOO I have news..... I got a TATTOO! This is my 3rd and that is something I thought I would never say! LOL! But this wasn't a spur of the moment but something I have been thinking about for months! My good friend Rebecca was nice enough to come with me, which made it much more fun!!

The next pictures I call the many faces of pain. And I get it... this is a small tattoo and I am being a baby but you guys, the inside of your bicep is soft and I GREATLY underestimated the amount of pain. I got nauseous and had tears brought to my eyes! Luckily it only took a little over 30 minutes to complete this. 

 This is the Tattoo artist is who did my weenie dog for Oscar last year and when I showed him my ideas he took them and created something new that would look good. I trusted that he clearly knows best and he was so kind when I made him change the placement of the tattoo like 3 times before we started!! Look at my face... speaking of weenies, I look like a HUGE one.........

 This is the look of I HAD NO IDEA IT WOULD HURT THIS BAD combined with not breathing. Rebecca was a wonderful photographer, thanks friend!

SO here she is....... This is 9 Chevron/Arrowheads and each one represents an infertility procedure. 7 IUI's and 2 Rounds of IVF. They are in a row because as you go up it changes you and the pain from the tattoo reflects the pain of everything we went thru. This is also a play off of the Military ranking system... the more "Chevrons" you have the higher the rank and the more I went thru the more it changes you. This is also a reminder that I am MUCH stronger than I though I was and that I/we did everything we could. I did it, I survived what I thought at times I wound't. And I love that you wound't know the meaning of this unless I told you. 

OH ya, it hurts today... thats for sure and I will show more pictures as the swelling goes down and you can see the actual tattoo better. Maybe this will help bring me closure? That would be nice. 

Anyways..... I DID IT! ARGH!!!!!!

Step ONE

Step ONE
Since our last failed IVF in August I have been starring at my unused infertility meds in the fridge. And ya, I was able to share some with 2 people already but I wanted it ALL GONE. So this week I packed it all up and shipped it all to California. I met a lot of friends on Instagram during this whole process and I was able to give everything to someone who will be going thru IVF at some point this year. It really does feel good helping someone out and I love that I will be able to follow her journey and hopefully something good can come out of all of this medicine!
I tried to shed some of the mental weight of all of this when I shipped those meds and only time will tell if it worked.

Step TWO
Last year injecting myself with flipping HUMAN GROWTH HORMONE is bound to cause one to gain weight and overall I gained about 10 pounds back last year. NOW the only good thing about my Wisdom Teeth surgery was that I lost 9 pounds in that week. So that was a blessing and now I want to loose an additional 3 pounds and then focus again on maintaining this year. So it was nice to get a little head start on step two!

Anyways just wanted to share with you all a little bit about my 2017 journey thus far!!!

re·store

rəˈstôr/

verb

1. bring back (a previous right, practice, custom, or situation); reinstate.

   
   

   "the government restored confidence in the housing market"

   
   

   synonyms:

   reinstate, bring back, reinstitute, reimpose, reinstall, reestablish "the aim to restore democracy"

   • return (someone or something) to a former condition, place, or position.

     
     

     "the effort to restore him to office isn't working"
2. 
   

repair or renovate (a building, work of art, vehicle, etc.) so as to return it to its original condition.

"the building has been lovingly restored"

synonyms:

repair, fix, mend, refurbish, recondition, rehabilitate, rebuild, reconstruct, remodel, overhaul, redevelop, renovate; More

Every year I always have goals, resolutions, things I want to do.... yada yada. Last year I "debuted" a Word of the Year, which was HOPE. You can read that post HERE and I do actually think that all year that word stuck with me, was in the back of my mind and I tried to hold my HOPE close to my heart. For the past week I have been thinking a lot about 2017 and how to move forward because I feel very much STUCK. And I found a word/theme for 2017 that truly encompass how I want this year to go. In ALL areas:
* Emotionally
* Physically
* Weight
* Relationship with my husband

So you guessed it, RESTORE. I mean just look at every word of that definition including synonyms and that describes it ALL. How will I do this? I am not really sure just yet to be honest but finding a common place/word/theme is a nice place to start I think. I think how I started the new year off... in bed, recovering from surgery wasn't helpful for me. There wasn't any BANG or any excitement but yet another moment of hardship. And as silly as it might sound I feel stuck right now, stuck in the losses of 2016, stuck not wanting to get out of bed. I have this word now, goals and what not but I can't seem to kick off how to get going.
Do you have a word or theme for 2017? How are you kicking off the New Year?

Decisions.... dum dum duuummmm

I wanted to open up to you guys today for a few reasons.......
1. Spilling my guts on here is therapeutic for me
2. I want to share with you all and be open about everything because of the feedback I have received over these few years.... it helps people and that helps me!
3. And You all... our family, our friends and our wonderful supporters online matter to us.

A few weeks ago Matt and I had a very real and very hard conversation about our future and what we want it to hold. But the future for us is the next year only, dealing with infertility it is best to only plan a year at a time we have found out. Mostly because so many different factors go into this and things can change on a dime. You know no one gives you a manual on how to deal with the news that you will never have biological children and then no one robs a bank for you either. So ya, money is a huge factor in this decision but we honestly set that aside and talked about how we feel. If we robbed a bank and got $30,000 plus in our laps would this decision change... maybe. But we don't actually know and for now we both feel at peace with our decision.

We decided that for the next year we are going to be US. It has been YEARS since we have lived without trying to conceive, years since we were not constantly sticking me with needles, emptying bank accounts on medical intervention and years since we stopped tracking time by my period. And trust me no one wants to count time by their period! HA! So this next year we are going to focus on US. Live our lives, focus on our careers, love on our fur-animals, go on vacations (I hope) and celebrate our 10 YEAR wedding anniversary next year. Then after our 10 year anniversary we will sit down and see where we are and how we feel. Matt mentioned that maybe we don't have children and I feel the same but in this space is that just the residual grief talking? Or in a year will we want to move forward with adoption? I can't answer that. What I can answer is that is has been just the 2 of us for 11 years this Christmas. Our first date was 11 years ago and we have come out ok(ish) LOL!!!!! Now, we do want to try and save.. I hope to sell a few houses so we can save money but first for us to have a savings again. We have like $300 in savings because of how much we spent this past year on 7 IUI's and 2 IVF's. We also want to finish our basement but we will see. So next year we are going to STOP revolving our lives solely on if we are pregnant. And ya, we both have a lot of healing to do.

I need people to know that especially like this past week when SO many friends announced their pregnancies I am truly happy for you. Why would I not be, I know how hard it is to get pregnant so YAY you, for real! SO very happy for you... your future baby has no bearing on my situation although people seem to think it must. The only thing is it makes me think.... will I ever get to "announce" we are having a child one day? Will I be ok if we never do? And those are valid questions to ask myself. And who knows that answer! And I hate how this situation, something I cannot control effects the way people are to me/us.. So stop it you guys! No, neither of us have officially dealt with the ramifications of the past few years but how do you? Really, how are you suppose to? For me I think all my emotions have been channeling into anger, which I don't like. Anger at situations and people who just act as if my life never happened, anger to those who cannot seem to not even once acknowledge what we have been thru. It doesn't take much time or effort to say "Hi, I love you, I am sorry." But it clearly must be...... I can't seem to move past it, I stew in it and I hate myself for it.

SO that is where we are, I did ask my Mom to stop saying "But you all would have the most beautiful baby ever, we will never see that" I know Mom, I know you are hurting too but that isn't good for any of us to hear anymore. And thats the truth, that is where we are and how we are moving forward as a couple. I still have some expensive IVF meds in my fridge, I am gonna offer them up again to anyone who wants them before I throw them out. I have loved helping 2 other girls with free meds, I like the thought that something good is coming out of our situation.

How am I?

Hey friends, first of all TGIF!! Second thank you to all of you who have recently reached out and asked "How are you"? I appreciate you thinking about me and Matt, because you don't just wake up the next morning and forget everything, although I think some people must think that.

This is a weird question "How are You"...... I am ok. Just ok.
* Physically? I am feeling like myself.... about 2 weeks ago I noticed that the hormones and drugs must be out of my system because the dizziness has left and I feel like my old self again (Hello, welcome back migraines) This might be TMI but I just had my period again since this and that is good, my body is getting back to the normal cycle of things.

* Have Matt and I discussed moving forward? Yes, we finally had a talk about all of this... Matt doesn't like talking about negative things but this is our life and I need it. We have made a decision, more like 1/2 a decision. We eliminated an option but now is not the time to share that because it is still raw within us. No, we are not doing anything currently to move forward right now but eliminating one direction is helpful.

* "How am I doing"? I am doing ok, I have thrown myself into planning this fun vacation next week and looking forward to meeting my friend Nicole in LA the following weekend for a girls getaway. It's nice having somethings to look forward to!! Here is what is so hard......
We went from our soul focus for over 2 years was trying to have a baby to this... nothingness.
We went from 1 SOLID year of infertility treatments, shots, doctor appts to this....nothingness.

 During the past year each disappointment is pushed aside because literally days later you are starting another round or procedure and you need your focus to be positive.... SO now it seems like all of this is slowly creeping up on me. And it is doing so thru my old pal... ANXIETY. Somedays I am good but somedays it is so out of control I can't take it. At night I can hear my heartbeat in my ears and my old pal the elephant is back to sitting on my chest. I literally cannot sleep right now without taking an over the counter sleep aid. The anxiety is unreal and it has been over 2 years since I have been on anything to control it, I had to get off everything to try to have a baby and now I am reluctant to start up taking things again. I don't want to but I might have to. Anxiety is my bodies way of holding onto things and I can't do anything about it. I am drowning a little in the "what should I do" phase but I dunno, thats the answer... I don't know what to do about it.
Second I am still dealing with anger, anger towards "certain situations" that have arisen from this past year. You can forgive and try to move on but it changes things, permanently. I hate being so vague with you all because I am never like this but I have to be. My anger over issues I am afraid will result in me not being the same again towards certain things. Or people if you must know. It's sad, because I am not that way but I just can't .... I just can't let is slide I guess would be a good phrase. ugh. moving on...........
Here is the jest of what I told Matt, this is 100% a death, this is the biggest life moment we have had together. We must both now find a way to mourn the life that could have been. Move on and Mourn the fact that we will NEVER have a biological child, and it is a death of "what could have been". And it has to be processed but there isn't a handbook per say on how to do this. We have to struggle in this and hopefully move on.
SO I guess that is how I am doing inside. Outside, I am ok. My favorite word, Ok. I am ok.

Failure (LONG post ahead)

This right here folks is what 7 Failed IUI's and 2 Failed IVF cycles look like in real life...........

 Oh ya, I am the proud recipient of each of those needles and honestly I will keep them. Possibly forever as a reminder of how strong I am and what we went thru. I know it sounds weird but if you have been thru it you'll get it. This is my participation trophy.

I use "most likely" a lot in this post and what I mean is there is always a .01% chance of a miracle.

SO last week in my IVF update post HERE  I told you all that after our IVF egg retrieval was cancelled my doctor did one last "Hail Mary" by inseminating me via our 7th IUI. Technically we shouldn't know if it worked or not until THIS coming weekend but my body decided that it didn't want us waiting around on pins and needles (ha) and it gave me the answer this weekend.... I started my period. So no, our 7th IUI has also failed. Starting my period 9 days early is crazy but not so bizarre, it's like after IVF your body is so mad at you that it literally wants everything out (gross, I know) so my period saying HOLA early isn't unusual. I have called my doctors office and informed them and we now have our follow up appointment/ discuss optional next steps THIS Thursday at 4:30.

What does this mean? We knew going into this IVF cycle that if these changes in medicines produced better results than last time but didn't work that we could possibly do a 3rd cycle. But we also knew that if this cycle didn't produce positive and better results than last time that "most likely" I would no longer be a candidate for IVF. And I shared that information with you all a few months ago. Since starting my period this weekend I am going to be honest we haven't had time to discuss this together, Matt and I nor have we had time to process what we are feeling. But oddly yesterday both of us felt like lying on the couch and watching movies all day. It was an unspoken feeling that we both needed a day to relax and give our brains a break.

How do you process that you just found out that you will "most likely" never have a biological child. Or at least not one from us both. You see after trying for 1 year and then 1 FULL year of infertility treatments this started out as a sperm problem then once we really got into IVF we realized this is an egg problem. Sperm, is an "easier" solution, you just need 1 good one of out the thousand you are given. But if you body doesn't give you an egg.... then your screwed. (or not screwed, hello... is this mic on? I'm trying to lighten the mood) SO we are going to learn more about an egg donor on Thursday. But even with an egg donor and if that becomes an embryo with the sperm I will still have to go thru an IVF cycle to "prep" my body for the embryo and I am going to be honest with you all as I have been with Matt........ I am not sure I can do it again. It sounds so easy when you type it out, like come on Nicole but after this last cycle and almost ending up in the ER, it's hard to describe but you guys I was so sick I cannot put it into words. I gave this MORE than a college try... ONE FULL YEAR of infertility treatments, needles, painful procedures, disappointment, money. And yes, WE both did this together but it's the women body who does all the heavy lifting. So ya, I talk in first person instead of we. I am 100% into learning more about the alternative options and my husband is someone who needs to exhaust everything before moving on, so we shall and we will.

Now, before someone comments and says "Why don't you JUST adopt" let me talk. Absolutely. It has always been something I am 100% open to. But we had to go down this path first, like I said exhaust all our options before moving in that direction. Am I ready to move to that path? Yes, I honestly think I am. But it is so complicated....... First of all after all we spent this past year where are we going to get $30,000-$40,000 to adopt? That doesn't magically happen and we haven't discussed this option yet between us, I am just speaking on the cuff here. Matt needs to focus on what is currently going on and not talk about what if. I like to talk about what if. We need to have this conversation about egg donor with our doctor on Thursday first, learn about that before Matt can have this second conversation with me also. If we choose this path of adoption we will need time to mourn. We haven't even had time to mourn what we found out this weekend. Time to grieve for what could have been, time to get our minds right before moving in a new direction. Infertility is so emotional in so many ways that you can't understand unless you go thru it. It is complicated and complex on a marriage also, we all deal with things differently. Me... sadly I have a hard time expressing emotion, hard time grieving this loss... I told my bestie on the phone last week I just "Can't" and she said she has cried everyday for me and I told her to keep it up.... express those emotions for me. ha! But for real. I push things down deep inside and they bubble up as anxiety....it's who I am. Matt doesn't like to discuss the negative and for him it bubbles up as rage. We are all different people and I know people who have done all this and it comes out differently for them too. I will say this time, this past week I have been MAD.... mad at the situation, mad at myself and mad at other people too. Why don't they understand what I am going thru I think and I get mad.... it's all so hard. And being sooooo honest and real on here is hard. I worry about people who will judge, who will think..... who the hell knows what they could think.....

But you know WHY I do this?????? Because over the past year as I walk you thru this process of mine I have gotten countless messages from friends who thank me. Because they did this and see themselves in me, friends who are doing this and don't know anyone else who feels like they do and people who are learning about what their friends and family have gone thru. THATS why I do this......
Sometimes I think maybe that is why I went thru all this, maybe I am a small voice for those who can't speak up about this. Who knows.

I will obviously let you all know how Thursday goes and what we learn our next steps could be, because I am an "over-sharer". HA! But really, I would like to hope Matt and I can spent some time learning about options and then pick one to put our positive thoughts and efforts towards. This wading in the water isn't my jam.
Once again thank you all for your kinds words and prayers... Thank you to my parents Sunday School class especially for all your prayers, I appreciate it. And right now pray that God can help us each work thru our own process of grief and that we can see clearly on what the next steps for us will be. And ya, more than anything I would LOVE to see what a small human made up of both Matt and I could be. Would it be a dancer? A baseball player like Matt? Would it be chatty like me? Who would it look like? Would he or she be blonde and have blue eyes like Matt and I? What personality traits of mine would they have or would they be more like Matt? And we will always have to grieve that, work thru getting past that and it will be something we will always have to continue to work thru.

XO-

SaveSave

IVF, What Happened

Hey All I am sorry that this post is days late but I have been and still am the sickest I have EVER been. Really, like beyond sick. BUT let's back up to last week.................

This cycle we did different hormones because the last cycle didn't produce enough eggs so if you remember my doctor said we would try things differently and if we get good results then... Great, hopefully we can make a baby but if we get bad results then most likely I am not a candidate for IVF and we would not move on past Cycle 2. Sadly, on Thursday we learned the latter. The combination of the medicine that I was injecting into me was killing my body this time and Thursday I woke up sick as a dog, so sick that Matt literally had to undress me, help me walk, literally inject me while I was in bed while I was crying. So by the time we made it to the doctors office I was in a bad state. And we knew as soon as the ultrasound wand was inside me that my follicles didn't grow enough. I cried because I was sick, I cried because I was sad and I cried because I tried so hard. They waited a few hours for my blood work to come back but we both knew that the call was that the cycle was canceled. BUT what I didn't put on Facebook because I didn't want to use the insemination on Facebook was that they had us come back Friday morning for an IUI. We did 6 of these if you remember, none of them worked but they/we wanted to try anything that would give us hope out of this mess. So yes, there is a chance this worked and I could be pregnant and we will find out in a few weeks but honestly I have been so sick I can't even put good vibes towards that right now. And I appreciate our doctor trying to pull a hail mary and give us something.... anything that could work.

The thing that is hard to grasp when an IVF fails is much like last time.... the amount of money for one that is now gone, the time, the emotions, the injections.... everything we did and it didn't work. And this time what I put my body thru and how sick I am..... IVF is something you would never wish on anyone, you don't know until you have done it. Last week I was in bed Thursday morning thru Yesterday. We have to wait until these hormones pass out of my system, we have to wait until this painful excessive bloating goes down... I currently look about 5 months pregnant but it is just painful fluids and the weight of my stimulated ovaries. Yesterday my doctor said if I got worse over night that Matt needed to take me to the ER, luckily I am about the same so I was able to avoid that.

I think one thing about being so sick is that I haven't been able to process this all yet, process that most likely on Thursday I found out I will never have a biological child. So many emotions go with that, its like I am on FB this weekend and everyone is living their BEST life, you know what I mean... so #blessed and I am living in the worst part of mine and I realize that life goes on and the world isn't going to stop because I am in a valley right now. I am in a place currently where I can't deal at the moment with other peoples stuff, ya know what I mean? I need time to deal with my stuff and I am sorry but I can't deal with your life right now too. Am I rambling?

OK ok.... moving on. So in a few weeks once we know if this IUI works or not we will then have our meeting with our doctor to discuss what happened and what is next. There are a few things on the table but I am not sure at this point at least I want to do anything more again. I am not sure I can. I am a planner so hopefully soon Matt and I will know the options, have our time to process and discuss and then have a new plan. A new plan that we can move towards.

Lastly, thank you all so much for your kind words and prayers. We truly appreciate it, very much so. I am heading back to bed.... you know it's bad when even you cat is tired of you taking up space in the bed 24/7.

IVF Prayers Needed!!!!!

 Hi Guys, I have my IVF update ready for you and I will try to explain everything the best I can like always, I want to educate.
Today is Injection Day #8, we are doing ok... my thighs are covered in bruises from injections and I am very swollen and uncomfortable. I have a headache 24/7 and I am still feeling very light headed. Luckily I only had 1 fainting spell last week, my first one ever. These meds are hard on our bodies and the amount of Human Growth Hormone I am taking this time literally wants to take me down. I didn't take this last time so it's new to me and my body.

This morning was my 4th Ultrasound and Bloodwork set for this cycle and I was nervous... nervous about the follicle growth and about giving blood on my already very bruised arms.... That wand in the picture and I are besties! LOL

I showed you all this last week and explained that these injections and oral meds I am on are Stimulants.... to stimulate my follicle growth. Those grey things are the ovaries, the holes are the follicles and inside them the eggs grow and that shows how they will be removed during surgery. 

 This is what the internal ultrasound looks like, the black spots are the follicles.... (this isn't mine, it's an example) Every woman is different but you want at least 10-15 Follicles ranging from 15-18millimeters. And if you don't get there then the egg retrieval will not happen. Are you all with me?

Today.....
I was a late developer last time too, they know that and I know that but today wasn't great. I have only 1 follicle that is ranging at 14mil and then I have 6 baby ones ranging around 5mil. They gave me a different shot in the office right then and I will be adding this 5th injection to my daily routine now to help them grow. But we are also on a time frame.... a women's clock, you only have so many days to get all this done. So.... Wednesday is due or die..... if we see substantial growth, GREAT then we will most likely keep injections for 1 more day before we schedule the surgery. BUT if we do not see growth like the specialists need to see then this cycle will be done and I will most likely not be a candidate to try again. They have to tell you the worst case so we know. But I can't have done all this and..... then.... nothing.

SO....... My body has just a couple of days to DO THIS! I am asking for a specific prayer......
Please pray that my follicle growth is fast, that they will catch up and all be around 15-18mil. Please pray then that those follicles will house good mature eggs inside that we can use to make our baby.
I hate asking for things, I hate this but I honest to goodness know we need this help right now. I am thinking only that it will happen. Come on body....... DO YOUR THANG!!!!!!!!

We really want to get to this next step...... where we have good viable eggs in those follicles so they can meet up in a lab and make us a baby.

Thank you ahead of time for your prayers. I will be positive and I will look forward to the good. I will update you all on Wednesday. In the meantime I am trying to relax, stay positive and rest.  And Matt has stabbed me almost 40 times so far this cycle with needles and he's doing great, thats his part for now and we have a routine down.

IVF Take 2

Can it really already be time? I know I told you all it was August and it is but SO much goes into IVF that you literally start over 1 month early getting your body ready, lining things up and that start date was yesterday. Yesterday I went in for my baseline ultrasound which showed that I have healed well from the last IVF and that I have no cysts which is always great news. And I guess it has been a long 2 months without a date with my friend the ultrasound wand! lol! Then we did blood work which will check all my levels and give them a base line reading of that as well! Lastly I started Birth Control yesterday which is confusing for some... here is the "jest":

They use it to suppress your body from producing eggs and all that stuff for 1 month before IVF as well as prolonging this cycle. I will take 30 days of active pills so I won't start my period again for 5 weeks which all works into the master IVF plan! 

During this next month we will do our IVF consent forms again, order all my meds, cough up $$$ and have more blood work. 

This is the ecstatic me yesterday......

SO last week when my show The Real Housewives of the OC started again I was excitedly surprised to see that Meghan Edmonds (Wife of baseball legend Jim Edmonds) is going thru IVF on the show! I was excited for people to see what it is like, more awareness and I'm am really seeing something on this show I can relate too. But I was kinda shocked at my reaction to her Endometrial "Scratch" procedure on screen, I cried. I cried because seeing it scares me... I have to have this done in 3 weeks and she describes it as the worst pain ever, like knives in her uterus and I felt the same. I cried just from seeing someone else display what I go thru. It's horrible. 

You know Matt is having a hard time "getting" my emotions this time around.... Some people would think that Round 2 would be easier, knowing what to expect but for me it's the opposite. Knowing what all is to come, like how painful the procedure above is.... is wrecking me. Yes, we want to do this ..... we want a baby but who would look forward to all this AGAIN. My anxiety is THRU the roof and that scares me. I have to find a way to get this under control. But that is who I am... knowing how many times I have to give blood and by the end of the cycle both of my arms/veins collapsed from giving so much blood... yes, that scares me. Knowing how scary the retrieval was and how the propofol burns as you go under.... yes, that scares me. I have a little time to try and turn these thoughts around and focus on what will hopefully be a beautiful outcome that I will be pregnant! So I ask currently that your prayers be on turning my anxiety around so I can be strong and think positively.

What's Next?

I am BAAACCCKK from Okc and I will be doing a post about all of that soon but this week is IMPORTANT and I don't want to miss it....... It is INFERTILITY AWARENESS WEEK! NIAW
I know your all think "oh dear is she gonna preach to us" and well, maybe. ha! But first I told you all that after I got back from Okc I would let you all know what our Fertility Specialist said and whats next for us........

Last Thursday during the time slot that was going to be our embryo transfer we met with our doctor to discuss what went wrong with this IVF round and what is next for us. And honestly it is hard to type, it is really so complex but I will do my best to make this short, sweet and simple. When we walked into his office he gave us the biggest and most genuine hugs AND that is why
A. We are in the best hands
B. This team becomes family
C. His office is the #15 Infertility Clinic in the United States

Our doctor expressed to us that he was honestly as shocked and upset by our egg retrieval as we were, only 1 egg?? No one saw that coming. He reviewed everything, from the moment we walked into his office almost ONE year ago. During this cycle ALL my blood work, estrogen levels, follicles were exactly where mine should have been and everything pointed to a successful retrieval. But you see that is why this is a lot of "Seeing what works with your body" and "Trial and Error" you literally cannot watch the eggs grow. So he said last week he went back and spent a morning with our Embryologist and they went thru the fluids took from my follicles (gross I know) and what they found was good news. There was presence of these cells I will refer to as the "Hype" cells. Ha, no really.... they are cells inside the follicles that are the cheerleader cells for the eggs. And if they were absent then maybe my body wasn't growing eggs BUT they were there. SO.... my body is showing egg growth. NOW..... maybe this means they just wouldn't come out or maybe this means that we didn't have my medicines at the correct levels to promote growth. And what is crazy about all this is that a year ago other than myself having some lower estrogen levels this infertility diagnosis for us was a sperm problem. But lucky us now it seems that we are both dealing with a diagnosis. And he told us that due to this there is NO chance to get pregnant any other way.
SO what does this all mean?
Our doctor believes that by doubling our injections and medicine protocol and switching out a few medicines for others (among a list of other stuff) that we could very well have a successful IVF.
When?
My body needs 2-3 months to heal from what we just put it thru. So we haven't spoken with the IVF coordinator just yet but it would look like our IVF cycle #2 would be August. And both Matt and I are on board with trying again.
SOOOO??
You know it's weird, If you don't have anxiety this is hard to wrap your head around.... but I don't mean to hide my feelings about all of this, I haven't meant to "not process" what happened last week yet. But it's like I just can't. And sadly my body doesn't know what to do with all of it and so my anxiety since last week has been out of control. And in fact I have been breaking out in hives, even at the Thunder game on Monday while having fun... HIVES! I mean I want to say "NICOLE< Let's cry this out" but I don't work that way. So I am having a tough time in that regard, I am having a tough time moving forward. And ya, I am scared about doing this all again.... You know what they say, Ignorance is BLISS and this first cycle was that for me. But this time knowing everything before hand scares me because it's a lot. But I am willing to put myself thru this all again in the HOPE of a different outcome.
I can't take anything for my anxiety in preparation for this next cycle so I am trying to pray, deep breathes, acupuncture and blogging... you all know that getting it out is helpful for me.
Matt was upset last week but he is hopeful for this second try and is putting his positivity towards that already.
HOW?
This Summer Matt and I are going to focus on being healthy, taking our prescribed supplements, relaxation, NO stress is huge for my body, I will continue acupuncture and we are going to try to enjoy the Summer together. I am going to try to not focus on AUGUST AUGUST AUGUST because that is an anxiety minefield but that is easier said then done.

National Infertility Awareness Week......

Now you didn't think I would end this post without a lesson did you? hehe! For Infertility Awareness Week Refinery29.com did this post on What NOT to say and it is SOOOOOOO SPOT on. I told Matt before I left for Oklahoma that if ONE person told me to "Relax and let it happen naturally" I would loose my crap. #sorrynotsorry
But honestly even if you don't know check out this list and educate yourself on a LONG list of things that are HURTFUL and are NOT funny to those of us dealing with infertility. My husband tells me that people around him say these things to him at least ONCE a day, so this affects men too. What is he suppose to say... "You know we had no idea, you mean to tell me actually having sex while relaxed might get us pregnant?" When inside we want to tell you to STFU.
Remember 1 in 8 people are dealing with this, it could be your friend, family member co-worker and most are not vocal like I am. This isn't just a "me" issue, it's a 1 in 8 issue.
Click HERE to read this list!

Lastly, this quote kinda sums me up at the moment and I know a lot of friends can relate. Thank you so much for listening and supporting.

Strong

I know so many of you have been praying for our "Little Egg That Could" and there is no beating around the bush, our Little Egg That Could..... Couldn't. We got the call yesterday that our fertilized egg didn't divide and was in fact no longer viable. Thus ending our 1st IVF try.
I'm gonna be honest here I am not sure what to say, I will say that for a lot of people this doesn't work on the first try and that is part of the cruelty of this process. IVF is SO invasive and SO expensive and when it ends in a loss that is particularly hard. I think back to our 6 failed IUI's and the past 2 months during this IVF cycle and I think .... wow. I mean it's a lot. I also make a constant effort to remind myself how strong I am and how I have been able to go thru so much more than I ever thought I could over this past year. I am stronger than I know and so is Matt.

I'm also gonna be honest here and tell you neither Matt or I have really truly processed this information yet, we are a bit numb. Tomorrow we are going to meet with our Fertility team in the time slot that was to be our embryo transfer and we are going to discuss what went wrong and where to go from here. Are we candidates after this cycle to try this again? And if we take the Summer off is that counterproductive? Should we strike now while all the hormones are in my system? Those are all things we don't know and we hopefully will tomorrow. I think after that conversation we can process this better.
We are trying not to go down that rabbit hole of looking back over the past month and seeing what all I put myself thru and feeling sad, we are trying not to think about where are we going to get the funds to do this again?? Sadly, when IVF doesn't work the money put into it is a huge loss. BUT.... but.... this is one we do NOT regret at all, we are both in agreement of this.

Starting April 24-April 30 is Infertility Awareness week and the statistic is 1 in 8 couples have been medically diagnosed with infertility. Most people are not open like I am about this for good reason.... there is uneducated comments, judgement and many emotions that we open ourselves to when speaking about this. BUT it is that one email I receive and in fact did last week from a friend who told me how much I was helping them. That makes this worth it. The emotional component of dealing with other peoples emotions on this is something I was prepared for and I do struggle with.

I want to thank everyone of you who prayed and sent positive vibes to us during this past IVF cycle as well as the past 6 IUI's. And sadly we will continue to need your prayers as we decide what direction to head into next. But your support is so wonderful and we thank you. I also, We also want to thank everyone for your thoughts on the passing of our boy Oscar too. This past month has been BRUTAL but we are strong. Not one day goes by that we don't miss Oscar more than words and in fact this week I got the most beautiful gift I could have ever gotten...we got a custom portrait of our Oscar from a great friend and we couldn't cherish anything more.

I am gonna be off blogging for about a week.... Saturday since I am no longer going to be on bed rest from the embryo transfer I am heading to Oklahoma to celebrate my 35th Birthday with my family and to celebrate my baby sister at her Wedding shower. It's a quick 3 day trip, I don't want to be away from Matt for long but I am getting to cheer on my THUNDER at Mondays playoff game while I am home! SO if you are gonna be at the game I want you to reach out so I can say HELLO!!
So follow me on FB and Instagram for my trip home memories!

I will leave you all with this fitting quote......

The Little Egg That Could!

(pre-egg retrieval)

Saturday was my Egg Retrieval and I have to say that I am proud of myself I took the IV like a champ, I was really worried about that and if you know me then you know. I did have a mini-anxiety attack when I was taken into the surgical room, it was just all so real and that scared me. The anesthesiologist was holding my hand and told me that the medicine would burn really bad and I remember saying "my arm is on fire" and I was out. I woke up about 30 minutes later in recovery. Thats when the day took a turn, we were then told that we only had 1 egg. I cried, a lot....so did Matt and we made the nurse cry. You see everyone is different but mostly people will have anywhere from 14-30 eggs. And you all even saw my ultrasound photos in the last post... everything looked great but those follicles were empty. All my blood work showed the indication that my egg growth was on par and we don't know why this was the case but it was. Normally over 1/2 the eggs retrieved will die so only having 1, it's the worst case scenario. I mean 1?

SO after I was well enough to get dressed they sent me home and I slept the whole day, I was cramping and groggy. Saturday the embryologist called to tell us that my ONE egg was a Mature good egg! Great news! Then yesterday I got the call that the "Little Egg That Could" survived the night and was fertilized with Matt's sperm!! SO on the picture below my Egg has made it thru Day 1 of 5!! I will get a call today to see if the cells have started dividing to make an embryo. We have to have this little egg survive to Day 5, when we will transfer the embryo back inside of me. 

You know all weekend I wasn't sure if I was going to share this news with everyone, but it is part of my journey and I want to show that not everything goes according to plan. I gave myself Saturday to be sad and depressed and now I am trying to be positive that this little miracle egg will survive it's journey and do it's job. I also wasn't going to share this because I felt embarrassment, like all my "cycle sisters" I have found on Instagram they all had 24-30 eggs and like 14 fertilized, I feel inadequate. It's stupid I know, my journey is my own and we don't know why this happened. But I ultimately decided to share what happened with you all because this "Little Egg That Could" needs all the prayers and positive vibes it can sent it's way!
I know you all are wondering what happens if this egg doesn't survive the 5 days? Then we are done. For now.
What is happening with me this week? Well I am still VERY bloated and cramping from this weekend. I am so uncomfortable I feel like at any moment my abdomen will burst open and an Alien will pop out just like in the movie! haha! Also I start prepping my body for the transfer with more injections, oral medicine and vaginal gel (gross, I know). And I am going to acupuncture today as well.
I want to thank everyone who reached out this weekend, your thoughts and prayers were so appreciated, knowing so many people have our back is such a nice feeling. And to all the prayer warriors I had this weekend, my friends, my home church in Oklahoma it helped. Thank you. And now let's keep it up, let's all pray for my LITTLE EGG THAT COULD

IVF, Part 2 Injections

Last week was my first official IVF post and you can catch up on that if you missed it by clicking HERE. The post got a lot of positive feedback and a lot of you told me you had no idea what all went into this and that is EXACTLY why I am doing these posts. Because how could you? So this week we are in the middle of the cycle and I am currently feeling like crap!!! I have had a raging non-stop headache since the first shot went into my leg and I am told that is normal! wah wah! I have been on 1 daily injectable now for almost 2 weeks and Saturday we started the Stimulation injections which are 4 per day. But let me back up... I will be going to the doctor about every 3-4 days for a blood draw to see if the medicine dosage is correct and how it is effecting my body. Each time I go in I also have an ultrasound to see how my follicles are growing. I did that on Friday and then this morning again. I will wait for todays phone call around 5pm to see if I need to change up any of my dosages. 

 All these bad boys are Stimulation injectables....... which are going to Stimulate my ovaries into mega production mode. So hopefully by the end of next week we will schedule our egg retrieval. These medicines give me headaches, will make me gain weight, make me bloated and they make me cramp... which I am told is all signs they are doing their job! YAY (sarcasm)

Now about 1 1/2 years ago before this all started I passed out when I gave blood, I also had mild panic attacks when given a shot and now I can't believe I am letting Matt stab me 4 times a day. At least once a day I try to tell myself I am proud and strong and look how far I have come. It's true. NOW... I am not saying these shots are easy.... they are not and in fact I spend all day consumed about when we will do it again, it is mentally exhausting. I wanted to show you all what we do each evening and yes we do 1 shot in the morning as well. And the times HAVE to be 7am and 7pm, very strict protocol! Tonight we were going to either go to the Okc Thunder game here in Denver or see the Long Island Medium Teresa Caputo but the times don't work with my shots. But thats just a drop in the bucket these days.
I will do this routine for at least 7 more days.........
Now please ignore the amount of skin in this video.... there was no way around it, no judgement!!


SO that is what I am doing everyday.

IVF

As you know I have committed to sharing this process with you all for several reasons. One being I can't personally go thru something so big and consuming and not talk about it and second because to no fault of your own most people have no clue. Heck I had no clue about any of this until a year or so ago. A lot of you have come to me asking questions and really walking away with a better sense of what so many couples go thru. Ya ya ya... I know it makes some people uncomfortable, this is "private" well then that weirdness lies within you not me. Let's jump into this thus far........

Last Monday this all kicked off for me and I was a little more prepared then most since we went thru 6 failed IUI's and I really got to know my team well which is so helpful for me. Last Monday I went in for the FDA mandated infectious disease testing, blood type test, chicken pox and measles immunity testing and that involved 5 vials of blood. That is the most I have ever given and since this was literally 3 days after Oscar passed I cried the entire time... over stress, Oscar and being scared about giving blood. BUT on the bright side I was so caught up in my emotional mess the Blood work was a breeze! ha! Second I had to have a sort of IVF trial run where the doctor in a sense "maps" out my whole insides ahead of the procedure day... all on a crazy full bladder for some weird reason... it sucked. Then I had my uterine lining "priming" which they call a Scratch test and it was as awful as it sounds! And no one told me IT HURT...I was totally NOT prepared for that at ALL, it shocked me. I cramped and bleed for a bit after the procedure. bleh. 

Tuesday Matt and I went in together for all of our consent paperwork as well as our Injectable class which luckily our clinic does this one on one with us. It was helpful and overwhelming all at the same time. And behold is a scene from our class as well as what $9552.00 in medicine looks like. NO JOKE, luckily our insurance covered a large portion of this............And thank God when Matt saw the medicine invoice I thought he was going to pass out! LOL

So at home I have this awesome cooler in the kitchen as well as medicine taking up a shelf in my fridge. For the past week I have been having 1 shot per day which was a nice ease up to this Friday when I will begin 4 shots a day for several weeks. Plus oral medicine and eventually vaginal medicine. They are time sensitive to so it's a lot to keep track of.

 Hence my handy dandy calendar which Matt laminated for me and is on our fridge! This Friday I go in for an ultrasound to check on my ovaries and more blood work. I am also doing Acupuncture once a week leading up to the second procedure as per directed by my doctor. Doing accupnuture one month leading up to IVF, as well as before and after your embryo transfer is said to increase pregnancy by 40% so we will take it!

So that is where we are as of now and now I need to do a little political/religious rant for y'all!
Several times we have been told "I wish you would just relax and pray to God and he will make this happen for you" and let me put it this way for you ........ We are diagnosed with a medical condition called infertility and given the 2% chance that we could ever manage to conceive on our own. So please tell me how this is any different then say this........
A person breaks their leg and is told that if they do nothing there is a 2% chance that it will heal on its own... so imagine someone saying to them " I wish you would just let your leg be, relax and pray about it". That's crazy, God gave us Doctors. When would you advise a cancer patient you love to stop doing the treatment that they are all for and just pray... only crazy people do that. I'm just trying to put this into something people can understand. It's seems more clear now doesn't it?

On Board with IVF

If you follow me on Instagram then you know that on Saturday we found out our last IUI (#6) didn't work and ya, that sucked. I have told you that each month since the beginning has been different and I have different feelings each month. This month was more scared, scared of what is next. Matt and I spent sometime this weekend discussing, I talked to our personal IVF specialist yesterday for an hour and then today we both went in to talk to the doctor and make our final decision. 

We are doing IVF........Luckily we were already proactive and on the wait list so we started everything today. 

 Today we both had to do a ton of blood work, I had an ultrasound to make sure everything is going ok inside and I got my Birth Control pills. What you saying?? I know super weird but the 3 weeks leading up to your first IVF cycle you take Birth control to regulate your cycle and suppress your follicle growth. It's funny, I haven't been on Birth Control in like 6 years and who knew... it's free now!

 Most people do not know what IVF is and why it is so scary, so I am not only going to blog about the process but here is the jest for now......

Starting after the birth control pills I will be doing around 4 home injections a day for a few weeks, every other day blood work and ultrasounds until my follicles are in a good place. Then what scares me most is that in the hospital I will be put under sedation to remove my eggs with a few days recovery time. Then like the chart above the embryologist in the lab will do their job. When we have successfully fertilized my eggs we will put 2 (hopefully 2 will survive) embryos back in me in another procedure. I will then be on bed rest for 3 days and any remaining embryos that have survived Matt and I will have frozen.
Of course the full payment is due before all this happens so we are working on that and prepping my body and mind for what is to come.
I need to work on reducing any stress and anxiety in my life and I am starting with acupuncture next week, recommended by my specialist. Fertility acupuncture the month before greatly increases the chances for pregnancy. And in fact it is in our plan to have an acupuncturist at the embryo implantation.
It's overwhelming isn't it? I am scared but I knew people who have done this and are doing this right now, so that is helpful. I also hope my posts will help others in this situation... if you have ANY questions don't hesitate to reach out! And something our specialist told me is that other than a couple dealing with cancer, infertility is the next highest stress according to this study. There are so many factors... the invasiveness, the disappointment, the financial commitment, your stress on the marriage, how your family adds or doesn't add to the process.... it's a lot and my brain is so full.