H.R. 586

In past few days President Trump has been signing a lot of things and the infertility community is worried that the rumblings of H.R. 586 will be next. What most people know is that is an abortion law but it is SOOOO much more than that.

We all know I did 7 IUI's and 2 rounds of IVF and I know COUNTLESS friends who have children because of IVF or are expecting right now all because of IVF. But what if IVF was banned? MY hopes of having children would have been stopped sooner and so many beautiful friends of mine would not have their children, I mean .... could you IMAGINE? Could you imagine knowing science could help couples have children but saying NO you can't do this anymore because this ill-thought bill becomes law?

Don't believe me? Read on to educate yourself.......

While President Donald Trump has been busily signing Executive Orders, he's not the only lawmaker getting to work in Washington. Meet H.R. 586, the Sanctity of Human Life Act. Introduced by Republican Rep. Jody Hice from Georgia's 10th district, the bill seeks to define that "the life of each human being begins with fertilization," and, more alarmingly so, that even a "one-celled embryo" is a "a new unique human being." H.R. 586 is a classic personhood bill that goes directly against science, so how would this personhood bill affect IVF? If H.R. 586 were to become law, it would effectively ban the practice of in vitro fertilization entirely in the United States......

To learn more about this and what you can do please head on over to read the rest of this informative article HERE
Share that post and this post because I can't imagine if people in my position were not allowed to try to and have a family of their own. 

How am I?

Hey friends, first of all TGIF!! Second thank you to all of you who have recently reached out and asked "How are you"? I appreciate you thinking about me and Matt, because you don't just wake up the next morning and forget everything, although I think some people must think that.

This is a weird question "How are You"...... I am ok. Just ok.
* Physically? I am feeling like myself.... about 2 weeks ago I noticed that the hormones and drugs must be out of my system because the dizziness has left and I feel like my old self again (Hello, welcome back migraines) This might be TMI but I just had my period again since this and that is good, my body is getting back to the normal cycle of things.

* Have Matt and I discussed moving forward? Yes, we finally had a talk about all of this... Matt doesn't like talking about negative things but this is our life and I need it. We have made a decision, more like 1/2 a decision. We eliminated an option but now is not the time to share that because it is still raw within us. No, we are not doing anything currently to move forward right now but eliminating one direction is helpful.

* "How am I doing"? I am doing ok, I have thrown myself into planning this fun vacation next week and looking forward to meeting my friend Nicole in LA the following weekend for a girls getaway. It's nice having somethings to look forward to!! Here is what is so hard......
We went from our soul focus for over 2 years was trying to have a baby to this... nothingness.
We went from 1 SOLID year of infertility treatments, shots, doctor appts to this....nothingness.

 During the past year each disappointment is pushed aside because literally days later you are starting another round or procedure and you need your focus to be positive.... SO now it seems like all of this is slowly creeping up on me. And it is doing so thru my old pal... ANXIETY. Somedays I am good but somedays it is so out of control I can't take it. At night I can hear my heartbeat in my ears and my old pal the elephant is back to sitting on my chest. I literally cannot sleep right now without taking an over the counter sleep aid. The anxiety is unreal and it has been over 2 years since I have been on anything to control it, I had to get off everything to try to have a baby and now I am reluctant to start up taking things again. I don't want to but I might have to. Anxiety is my bodies way of holding onto things and I can't do anything about it. I am drowning a little in the "what should I do" phase but I dunno, thats the answer... I don't know what to do about it.
Second I am still dealing with anger, anger towards "certain situations" that have arisen from this past year. You can forgive and try to move on but it changes things, permanently. I hate being so vague with you all because I am never like this but I have to be. My anger over issues I am afraid will result in me not being the same again towards certain things. Or people if you must know. It's sad, because I am not that way but I just can't .... I just can't let is slide I guess would be a good phrase. ugh. moving on...........
Here is the jest of what I told Matt, this is 100% a death, this is the biggest life moment we have had together. We must both now find a way to mourn the life that could have been. Move on and Mourn the fact that we will NEVER have a biological child, and it is a death of "what could have been". And it has to be processed but there isn't a handbook per say on how to do this. We have to struggle in this and hopefully move on.
SO I guess that is how I am doing inside. Outside, I am ok. My favorite word, Ok. I am ok.

IVF Take 2

Can it really already be time? I know I told you all it was August and it is but SO much goes into IVF that you literally start over 1 month early getting your body ready, lining things up and that start date was yesterday. Yesterday I went in for my baseline ultrasound which showed that I have healed well from the last IVF and that I have no cysts which is always great news. And I guess it has been a long 2 months without a date with my friend the ultrasound wand! lol! Then we did blood work which will check all my levels and give them a base line reading of that as well! Lastly I started Birth Control yesterday which is confusing for some... here is the "jest":

They use it to suppress your body from producing eggs and all that stuff for 1 month before IVF as well as prolonging this cycle. I will take 30 days of active pills so I won't start my period again for 5 weeks which all works into the master IVF plan! 

During this next month we will do our IVF consent forms again, order all my meds, cough up $$$ and have more blood work. 

This is the ecstatic me yesterday......

SO last week when my show The Real Housewives of the OC started again I was excitedly surprised to see that Meghan Edmonds (Wife of baseball legend Jim Edmonds) is going thru IVF on the show! I was excited for people to see what it is like, more awareness and I'm am really seeing something on this show I can relate too. But I was kinda shocked at my reaction to her Endometrial "Scratch" procedure on screen, I cried. I cried because seeing it scares me... I have to have this done in 3 weeks and she describes it as the worst pain ever, like knives in her uterus and I felt the same. I cried just from seeing someone else display what I go thru. It's horrible. 

You know Matt is having a hard time "getting" my emotions this time around.... Some people would think that Round 2 would be easier, knowing what to expect but for me it's the opposite. Knowing what all is to come, like how painful the procedure above is.... is wrecking me. Yes, we want to do this ..... we want a baby but who would look forward to all this AGAIN. My anxiety is THRU the roof and that scares me. I have to find a way to get this under control. But that is who I am... knowing how many times I have to give blood and by the end of the cycle both of my arms/veins collapsed from giving so much blood... yes, that scares me. Knowing how scary the retrieval was and how the propofol burns as you go under.... yes, that scares me. I have a little time to try and turn these thoughts around and focus on what will hopefully be a beautiful outcome that I will be pregnant! So I ask currently that your prayers be on turning my anxiety around so I can be strong and think positively.

What's Next?

I am BAAACCCKK from Okc and I will be doing a post about all of that soon but this week is IMPORTANT and I don't want to miss it....... It is INFERTILITY AWARENESS WEEK! NIAW
I know your all think "oh dear is she gonna preach to us" and well, maybe. ha! But first I told you all that after I got back from Okc I would let you all know what our Fertility Specialist said and whats next for us........

Last Thursday during the time slot that was going to be our embryo transfer we met with our doctor to discuss what went wrong with this IVF round and what is next for us. And honestly it is hard to type, it is really so complex but I will do my best to make this short, sweet and simple. When we walked into his office he gave us the biggest and most genuine hugs AND that is why
A. We are in the best hands
B. This team becomes family
C. His office is the #15 Infertility Clinic in the United States

Our doctor expressed to us that he was honestly as shocked and upset by our egg retrieval as we were, only 1 egg?? No one saw that coming. He reviewed everything, from the moment we walked into his office almost ONE year ago. During this cycle ALL my blood work, estrogen levels, follicles were exactly where mine should have been and everything pointed to a successful retrieval. But you see that is why this is a lot of "Seeing what works with your body" and "Trial and Error" you literally cannot watch the eggs grow. So he said last week he went back and spent a morning with our Embryologist and they went thru the fluids took from my follicles (gross I know) and what they found was good news. There was presence of these cells I will refer to as the "Hype" cells. Ha, no really.... they are cells inside the follicles that are the cheerleader cells for the eggs. And if they were absent then maybe my body wasn't growing eggs BUT they were there. SO.... my body is showing egg growth. NOW..... maybe this means they just wouldn't come out or maybe this means that we didn't have my medicines at the correct levels to promote growth. And what is crazy about all this is that a year ago other than myself having some lower estrogen levels this infertility diagnosis for us was a sperm problem. But lucky us now it seems that we are both dealing with a diagnosis. And he told us that due to this there is NO chance to get pregnant any other way.
SO what does this all mean?
Our doctor believes that by doubling our injections and medicine protocol and switching out a few medicines for others (among a list of other stuff) that we could very well have a successful IVF.
When?
My body needs 2-3 months to heal from what we just put it thru. So we haven't spoken with the IVF coordinator just yet but it would look like our IVF cycle #2 would be August. And both Matt and I are on board with trying again.
SOOOO??
You know it's weird, If you don't have anxiety this is hard to wrap your head around.... but I don't mean to hide my feelings about all of this, I haven't meant to "not process" what happened last week yet. But it's like I just can't. And sadly my body doesn't know what to do with all of it and so my anxiety since last week has been out of control. And in fact I have been breaking out in hives, even at the Thunder game on Monday while having fun... HIVES! I mean I want to say "NICOLE< Let's cry this out" but I don't work that way. So I am having a tough time in that regard, I am having a tough time moving forward. And ya, I am scared about doing this all again.... You know what they say, Ignorance is BLISS and this first cycle was that for me. But this time knowing everything before hand scares me because it's a lot. But I am willing to put myself thru this all again in the HOPE of a different outcome.
I can't take anything for my anxiety in preparation for this next cycle so I am trying to pray, deep breathes, acupuncture and blogging... you all know that getting it out is helpful for me.
Matt was upset last week but he is hopeful for this second try and is putting his positivity towards that already.
HOW?
This Summer Matt and I are going to focus on being healthy, taking our prescribed supplements, relaxation, NO stress is huge for my body, I will continue acupuncture and we are going to try to enjoy the Summer together. I am going to try to not focus on AUGUST AUGUST AUGUST because that is an anxiety minefield but that is easier said then done.

National Infertility Awareness Week......

Now you didn't think I would end this post without a lesson did you? hehe! For Infertility Awareness Week Refinery29.com did this post on What NOT to say and it is SOOOOOOO SPOT on. I told Matt before I left for Oklahoma that if ONE person told me to "Relax and let it happen naturally" I would loose my crap. #sorrynotsorry
But honestly even if you don't know check out this list and educate yourself on a LONG list of things that are HURTFUL and are NOT funny to those of us dealing with infertility. My husband tells me that people around him say these things to him at least ONCE a day, so this affects men too. What is he suppose to say... "You know we had no idea, you mean to tell me actually having sex while relaxed might get us pregnant?" When inside we want to tell you to STFU.
Remember 1 in 8 people are dealing with this, it could be your friend, family member co-worker and most are not vocal like I am. This isn't just a "me" issue, it's a 1 in 8 issue.
Click HERE to read this list!

Lastly, this quote kinda sums me up at the moment and I know a lot of friends can relate. Thank you so much for listening and supporting.

Strong

I know so many of you have been praying for our "Little Egg That Could" and there is no beating around the bush, our Little Egg That Could..... Couldn't. We got the call yesterday that our fertilized egg didn't divide and was in fact no longer viable. Thus ending our 1st IVF try.
I'm gonna be honest here I am not sure what to say, I will say that for a lot of people this doesn't work on the first try and that is part of the cruelty of this process. IVF is SO invasive and SO expensive and when it ends in a loss that is particularly hard. I think back to our 6 failed IUI's and the past 2 months during this IVF cycle and I think .... wow. I mean it's a lot. I also make a constant effort to remind myself how strong I am and how I have been able to go thru so much more than I ever thought I could over this past year. I am stronger than I know and so is Matt.

I'm also gonna be honest here and tell you neither Matt or I have really truly processed this information yet, we are a bit numb. Tomorrow we are going to meet with our Fertility team in the time slot that was to be our embryo transfer and we are going to discuss what went wrong and where to go from here. Are we candidates after this cycle to try this again? And if we take the Summer off is that counterproductive? Should we strike now while all the hormones are in my system? Those are all things we don't know and we hopefully will tomorrow. I think after that conversation we can process this better.
We are trying not to go down that rabbit hole of looking back over the past month and seeing what all I put myself thru and feeling sad, we are trying not to think about where are we going to get the funds to do this again?? Sadly, when IVF doesn't work the money put into it is a huge loss. BUT.... but.... this is one we do NOT regret at all, we are both in agreement of this.

Starting April 24-April 30 is Infertility Awareness week and the statistic is 1 in 8 couples have been medically diagnosed with infertility. Most people are not open like I am about this for good reason.... there is uneducated comments, judgement and many emotions that we open ourselves to when speaking about this. BUT it is that one email I receive and in fact did last week from a friend who told me how much I was helping them. That makes this worth it. The emotional component of dealing with other peoples emotions on this is something I was prepared for and I do struggle with.

I want to thank everyone of you who prayed and sent positive vibes to us during this past IVF cycle as well as the past 6 IUI's. And sadly we will continue to need your prayers as we decide what direction to head into next. But your support is so wonderful and we thank you. I also, We also want to thank everyone for your thoughts on the passing of our boy Oscar too. This past month has been BRUTAL but we are strong. Not one day goes by that we don't miss Oscar more than words and in fact this week I got the most beautiful gift I could have ever gotten...we got a custom portrait of our Oscar from a great friend and we couldn't cherish anything more.

I am gonna be off blogging for about a week.... Saturday since I am no longer going to be on bed rest from the embryo transfer I am heading to Oklahoma to celebrate my 35th Birthday with my family and to celebrate my baby sister at her Wedding shower. It's a quick 3 day trip, I don't want to be away from Matt for long but I am getting to cheer on my THUNDER at Mondays playoff game while I am home! SO if you are gonna be at the game I want you to reach out so I can say HELLO!!
So follow me on FB and Instagram for my trip home memories!

I will leave you all with this fitting quote......

The Little Egg That Could!

(pre-egg retrieval)

Saturday was my Egg Retrieval and I have to say that I am proud of myself I took the IV like a champ, I was really worried about that and if you know me then you know. I did have a mini-anxiety attack when I was taken into the surgical room, it was just all so real and that scared me. The anesthesiologist was holding my hand and told me that the medicine would burn really bad and I remember saying "my arm is on fire" and I was out. I woke up about 30 minutes later in recovery. Thats when the day took a turn, we were then told that we only had 1 egg. I cried, a lot....so did Matt and we made the nurse cry. You see everyone is different but mostly people will have anywhere from 14-30 eggs. And you all even saw my ultrasound photos in the last post... everything looked great but those follicles were empty. All my blood work showed the indication that my egg growth was on par and we don't know why this was the case but it was. Normally over 1/2 the eggs retrieved will die so only having 1, it's the worst case scenario. I mean 1?

SO after I was well enough to get dressed they sent me home and I slept the whole day, I was cramping and groggy. Saturday the embryologist called to tell us that my ONE egg was a Mature good egg! Great news! Then yesterday I got the call that the "Little Egg That Could" survived the night and was fertilized with Matt's sperm!! SO on the picture below my Egg has made it thru Day 1 of 5!! I will get a call today to see if the cells have started dividing to make an embryo. We have to have this little egg survive to Day 5, when we will transfer the embryo back inside of me. 

You know all weekend I wasn't sure if I was going to share this news with everyone, but it is part of my journey and I want to show that not everything goes according to plan. I gave myself Saturday to be sad and depressed and now I am trying to be positive that this little miracle egg will survive it's journey and do it's job. I also wasn't going to share this because I felt embarrassment, like all my "cycle sisters" I have found on Instagram they all had 24-30 eggs and like 14 fertilized, I feel inadequate. It's stupid I know, my journey is my own and we don't know why this happened. But I ultimately decided to share what happened with you all because this "Little Egg That Could" needs all the prayers and positive vibes it can sent it's way!
I know you all are wondering what happens if this egg doesn't survive the 5 days? Then we are done. For now.
What is happening with me this week? Well I am still VERY bloated and cramping from this weekend. I am so uncomfortable I feel like at any moment my abdomen will burst open and an Alien will pop out just like in the movie! haha! Also I start prepping my body for the transfer with more injections, oral medicine and vaginal gel (gross, I know). And I am going to acupuncture today as well.
I want to thank everyone who reached out this weekend, your thoughts and prayers were so appreciated, knowing so many people have our back is such a nice feeling. And to all the prayer warriors I had this weekend, my friends, my home church in Oklahoma it helped. Thank you. And now let's keep it up, let's all pray for my LITTLE EGG THAT COULD

IVF, Egg Retrieval

40 is the number is Stimulation injections that Matt has given me since March 31. And this morning was my last Stim shot but we are far from over with injections. The picture below best depicts last night, I am over the shots and apparently my body is also. It took Matt 5 stabs for 3 injections.... we always work around the veins in my thighs but last night he stabbed and BOOM blood gushing, so we had to find a new place. Then on injection #3 the needle literally would NOT go into my stomach. Ya, this picture is a dramatic interpretation but I cried, a lot. 

 This morning was my 3rd Ultrasound this week and 3rd round of Blood Work this week, I look like a junkie, my arms are shot. This morning my doctor decided that my follicles (which are in my ovaries and hold the eggs) are mature enough to move forward. I have a good number of follicles and in the past 14 days I have literally gained 7 pounds in ovaries and bloating... I am FULL and uncomfortable.

 Here are 2 pictures I got to take home of a few of my follicles.... the large circles is what you are looking at and inside those pouches are the eggs. If you ask me I think the pictures looks like Horror mask from the movie Scream.. It made me laugh. Creepy mc Creeperson....

Tonight Matt will give me a HUGE shot called a Trigger which will tell my ovaries it's GO TIME. And over the next 36 hours I will prep my body for the Egg Retrieval procedure. And below is what is going to happen, so we can all learn a little something together. I will go to an out patient hospital Saturday morning where I will be put under anesthesia for the 30 minute procedure. Below you can see that they will use a needle/suction to extract out the eggs. Once it is over I will be in recovery for about 1 1/2 hours and then home to recover for the rest of the weekend. That is the simplest explanation I can give....

I will say I am SUPER worked up about the procedure, the IVF, the anesthesia and the pain level. I know it is a minor out patient procedure but all of this process is really stretching what I am comfortable with and I am very nervous. It's just my anxiety that is getting to me and I can't control that nor can I take anything to help with it... bumms
What happens after? I will do a post more than likely on Monday to update everyone but over the following 5 days the Embryologist will combine my mature eggs with Matts sperm in the lab and watch them grow to see how many viable embryos we will have to work with. Then next Thursday I will have the embryo transfer.
Thank you all for following along with us on this journey and like always it makes me happy when people reach out say they are learning something they didn't know before. Or that I have helped you to realize what other friends of yours have gone thru... You know me, I am an open book. Just please send your positive thoughts that we will get enough mature eggs to work with and send your calming vibes to me that I can get thru the next week stress free!
xo

IVF, Part 2 Injections

Last week was my first official IVF post and you can catch up on that if you missed it by clicking HERE. The post got a lot of positive feedback and a lot of you told me you had no idea what all went into this and that is EXACTLY why I am doing these posts. Because how could you? So this week we are in the middle of the cycle and I am currently feeling like crap!!! I have had a raging non-stop headache since the first shot went into my leg and I am told that is normal! wah wah! I have been on 1 daily injectable now for almost 2 weeks and Saturday we started the Stimulation injections which are 4 per day. But let me back up... I will be going to the doctor about every 3-4 days for a blood draw to see if the medicine dosage is correct and how it is effecting my body. Each time I go in I also have an ultrasound to see how my follicles are growing. I did that on Friday and then this morning again. I will wait for todays phone call around 5pm to see if I need to change up any of my dosages. 

 All these bad boys are Stimulation injectables....... which are going to Stimulate my ovaries into mega production mode. So hopefully by the end of next week we will schedule our egg retrieval. These medicines give me headaches, will make me gain weight, make me bloated and they make me cramp... which I am told is all signs they are doing their job! YAY (sarcasm)

Now about 1 1/2 years ago before this all started I passed out when I gave blood, I also had mild panic attacks when given a shot and now I can't believe I am letting Matt stab me 4 times a day. At least once a day I try to tell myself I am proud and strong and look how far I have come. It's true. NOW... I am not saying these shots are easy.... they are not and in fact I spend all day consumed about when we will do it again, it is mentally exhausting. I wanted to show you all what we do each evening and yes we do 1 shot in the morning as well. And the times HAVE to be 7am and 7pm, very strict protocol! Tonight we were going to either go to the Okc Thunder game here in Denver or see the Long Island Medium Teresa Caputo but the times don't work with my shots. But thats just a drop in the bucket these days.
I will do this routine for at least 7 more days.........
Now please ignore the amount of skin in this video.... there was no way around it, no judgement!!


SO that is what I am doing everyday.

IVF

As you know I have committed to sharing this process with you all for several reasons. One being I can't personally go thru something so big and consuming and not talk about it and second because to no fault of your own most people have no clue. Heck I had no clue about any of this until a year or so ago. A lot of you have come to me asking questions and really walking away with a better sense of what so many couples go thru. Ya ya ya... I know it makes some people uncomfortable, this is "private" well then that weirdness lies within you not me. Let's jump into this thus far........

Last Monday this all kicked off for me and I was a little more prepared then most since we went thru 6 failed IUI's and I really got to know my team well which is so helpful for me. Last Monday I went in for the FDA mandated infectious disease testing, blood type test, chicken pox and measles immunity testing and that involved 5 vials of blood. That is the most I have ever given and since this was literally 3 days after Oscar passed I cried the entire time... over stress, Oscar and being scared about giving blood. BUT on the bright side I was so caught up in my emotional mess the Blood work was a breeze! ha! Second I had to have a sort of IVF trial run where the doctor in a sense "maps" out my whole insides ahead of the procedure day... all on a crazy full bladder for some weird reason... it sucked. Then I had my uterine lining "priming" which they call a Scratch test and it was as awful as it sounds! And no one told me IT HURT...I was totally NOT prepared for that at ALL, it shocked me. I cramped and bleed for a bit after the procedure. bleh. 

Tuesday Matt and I went in together for all of our consent paperwork as well as our Injectable class which luckily our clinic does this one on one with us. It was helpful and overwhelming all at the same time. And behold is a scene from our class as well as what $9552.00 in medicine looks like. NO JOKE, luckily our insurance covered a large portion of this............And thank God when Matt saw the medicine invoice I thought he was going to pass out! LOL

So at home I have this awesome cooler in the kitchen as well as medicine taking up a shelf in my fridge. For the past week I have been having 1 shot per day which was a nice ease up to this Friday when I will begin 4 shots a day for several weeks. Plus oral medicine and eventually vaginal medicine. They are time sensitive to so it's a lot to keep track of.

 Hence my handy dandy calendar which Matt laminated for me and is on our fridge! This Friday I go in for an ultrasound to check on my ovaries and more blood work. I am also doing Acupuncture once a week leading up to the second procedure as per directed by my doctor. Doing accupnuture one month leading up to IVF, as well as before and after your embryo transfer is said to increase pregnancy by 40% so we will take it!

So that is where we are as of now and now I need to do a little political/religious rant for y'all!
Several times we have been told "I wish you would just relax and pray to God and he will make this happen for you" and let me put it this way for you ........ We are diagnosed with a medical condition called infertility and given the 2% chance that we could ever manage to conceive on our own. So please tell me how this is any different then say this........
A person breaks their leg and is told that if they do nothing there is a 2% chance that it will heal on its own... so imagine someone saying to them " I wish you would just let your leg be, relax and pray about it". That's crazy, God gave us Doctors. When would you advise a cancer patient you love to stop doing the treatment that they are all for and just pray... only crazy people do that. I'm just trying to put this into something people can understand. It's seems more clear now doesn't it?

On Board with IVF

If you follow me on Instagram then you know that on Saturday we found out our last IUI (#6) didn't work and ya, that sucked. I have told you that each month since the beginning has been different and I have different feelings each month. This month was more scared, scared of what is next. Matt and I spent sometime this weekend discussing, I talked to our personal IVF specialist yesterday for an hour and then today we both went in to talk to the doctor and make our final decision. 

We are doing IVF........Luckily we were already proactive and on the wait list so we started everything today. 

 Today we both had to do a ton of blood work, I had an ultrasound to make sure everything is going ok inside and I got my Birth Control pills. What you saying?? I know super weird but the 3 weeks leading up to your first IVF cycle you take Birth control to regulate your cycle and suppress your follicle growth. It's funny, I haven't been on Birth Control in like 6 years and who knew... it's free now!

 Most people do not know what IVF is and why it is so scary, so I am not only going to blog about the process but here is the jest for now......

Starting after the birth control pills I will be doing around 4 home injections a day for a few weeks, every other day blood work and ultrasounds until my follicles are in a good place. Then what scares me most is that in the hospital I will be put under sedation to remove my eggs with a few days recovery time. Then like the chart above the embryologist in the lab will do their job. When we have successfully fertilized my eggs we will put 2 (hopefully 2 will survive) embryos back in me in another procedure. I will then be on bed rest for 3 days and any remaining embryos that have survived Matt and I will have frozen.
Of course the full payment is due before all this happens so we are working on that and prepping my body and mind for what is to come.
I need to work on reducing any stress and anxiety in my life and I am starting with acupuncture next week, recommended by my specialist. Fertility acupuncture the month before greatly increases the chances for pregnancy. And in fact it is in our plan to have an acupuncturist at the embryo implantation.
It's overwhelming isn't it? I am scared but I knew people who have done this and are doing this right now, so that is helpful. I also hope my posts will help others in this situation... if you have ANY questions don't hesitate to reach out! And something our specialist told me is that other than a couple dealing with cancer, infertility is the next highest stress according to this study. There are so many factors... the invasiveness, the disappointment, the financial commitment, your stress on the marriage, how your family adds or doesn't add to the process.... it's a lot and my brain is so full.

I Intend To Be A Parent

Hi Guys, bear with me... you know if you are a long time reader that when I have something important to say I can ramble or jump around topics.... today will be on of those days! I am gonna update you on our journey as well as answer some questions I have been getting. Like I always say... I am not a perfect writer but it comes from my heart.

I found out yesterday morning that our IUI #5 did not take. (I am now sitting here trying to decide what to write next, it's been 10 minutes........) Ok, after the disaster that last month was with me really letting myself get my hopes up only to be crushed I will say yesterday was better. (to read last months post click HERE) But sadly I am not sure that is a good thing, I had a real hard time this month and especially into this last week balancing the act of having Hope but not setting myself up for disappointment. I will admit I do not know how to balance that, at all. Starting Feb 1 we will have officially been trying to have a baby for 1 & 1/2 years and I know some people try MUCH MUCH longer but like I say, our journey is ours. AND... that is a long time. This enters our 7th month at our fertility clinic and we are so thankful for our whole team. SO......
What Happens Now?
This past Monday we spent some time with our Doctor making a plan and having our IVF consult. After a long talk we have decided to put our name on the IVF wait list which is out to April now and in the meantime starting today (Day 1, new cycle) we will do 1 more IUI. IF this IUI #6 does not work then starting in March we will prep my body for IVF. This will also give us until April for Matt and I to try and work out the finances of IVF. Without insurance EACH cycle runs between $17,000- $30,000 per try. We do have great insurance that our portion of that is still not something we have just sitting around. Matt says... IUI #6 will work and he doesn't want to discuss past that but we have to. Can we afford to move on? And it's scary how invasive IVF is. But anyways that is what our plan is. Before we left our doctors office he gave me this and told me to repeat it to myself 3 times a day as a mantra and I want to share it with you all. I know it could be helpful to some of you......

Now, I want to answer some questions I have been getting from all of you...

Why would you share this journey with everyone?
I get asked this a lot and I know a ton of you are super private so this confuses you but there are 2 answers.
1. You know me, I am an open book at all times. A great friend of mine once gave me valuable insight by telling me that the fact that I am an open book scares people. And people feel intimidated by it, which is weird because I am only self deprecating to myself but it's the fact that maybe I feel confident in my own story.
2. The more important answer is..... Since I have been sharing our journey I have had friends privately message me to tell me their own Infertility journey which is so helpful and comforting. And then I have had countless people message me to ask me questions because they are just starting on this journey themselves. When you are going thru something so taxing it is BEYOND helpful to have someone to turn to and the fact that I could be that for someone else, makes me feel so blessed. Because I have a couple of people who are that for me right now ( YOU know who you are) and I am SO grateful!

Do you guys wish you had tried earlier, why wait so long?
Yes, people actually ask that... quite often and I have answered this in the past but I love to answer it again. NO, I have no regrets. For one even if we had tried to conceive 8 years ago when we got married our doctor doesn't even know but we could have run into these problems then. Our challenges are NOT 100% related to our age. Let me say that again for people who are CONVINCED we did this to ourselves by waiting until we are 35 .... Our infertility is NOT 100% based on our age!
Now, what is frustrating is that people do not see that we waited until we were settled, we have a home, Matt has a wonderful job and we waited until we were in a really good place in our marriage to bring a child into it. And if you ask me that is the smart decision we would make again.

I get many questions on Clomid and fertility drugs from people just starting. How do they effect me?
This could be different for each person but for me the main side effect I get is intense hot flashes. SO much so that most nights I wake up every 30 minutes either freezing while I pull covers on or covered in sweat where I pull covers off. I am more emotional, but is that just this intense journey that I am on or the medicine... gosh, who knows. The shots I am on give me more side effects, they make me sick to my stomach and they make my boobs hurt more than I could ever explain. So those are the main ones to be ready for I would say.

Here is a question I got last week: How much is all this costing, my husband and I are scared to start with a fertility clinic, what if we can't afford it?
This is tough and a joke amongst people dealing with infertility is that "We already spent the kids college fund trying to make him or her". BUT we are luckier than most due to my migraines we have the top insurance there is, I mean it costs us but we are benefiting from it now.  Each IUI cycle can run you $3,000- $5,000 per try and we are entering #6. So that could of cost us about $30,000 thus far but we have been out around $6,000 so far. Which is SOO much for us still.
Now, IVF like I said can run upwards of $30,000 PER TRY. Our share will be around $6,000 per try. So yes, it is unbelievably unfair how much infertility costs. It's sad is what it is. And that is a personal decision you and your significant other have to decide what works for you. But what is even more sad is that adoption costs start at around $35,000. unreal.

How is your husband handling this?
Matt is much more private than me, so although he knows I am open and a blogger I still hold back on certain details to protect Matt and his wishes. Matt works like 12 hours days so he has a lot to keep his mind occupied. Matt is also a very very eternal optimist which is great but his reply is "IUI #6 will work, so there is no need to discuss anything further" but I think all guys deal with what is in front of them at that moment. It's hard, while your infertility can be a shared responsibility 99% of everything is on the female and her body.

Friends, thank you all for sharing in this journey with us and please feel free to reach out to me with anything. You can always email me at nsavage@live.com
And another thing I want to share before I go is that while on this journey I can be 100% happy for my friends who become pregnant, truly happy. You can be truly happy for others while being sad for yourself.

#4 is OUT the door.....

Hi Guys, sorry I have been away for a week but I was enjoying Christmas with Matt away from my computer and then I had to take a mental health day yesterday.... AKA.... stay in bed all day with my cat day! Yesterday morning I found out IUI #4 didn't take. So ya, that sucked. In the past posts I have been super positive and upbeat while sharing the news with you guys but I am not feeling that way today. Life is real, life is messy and I can only be myself and sometimes that isn't full of rosey feelings.

 Each month I feel differently when I find out the news and this month was very different, I am mad at myself. Why? Because I allowed myself to hope. This weekend I really got my hopes up, I pinned things to my secret "Baby" pinterest board, I made plans in my head and I even let myself buy a STUPID pregnancy magazine at Barnes and Noble. So when I found out I was crushed. Crushed and Mad..... why did I let myself get my hopes up so high? When they are so high they can only go down. I'm stupid.
But you are probably thinking that a positive attitude and hope is helpful in this process and it can be but where is the line? Where is the line of being positive and sending good vibes to your womb and not getting your hopes up to high?? I should have known better and I cannot allow myself to let my thoughts get ahead again. I mean is there any worse feeling than utter disapointment?

And another thing is this card above, I need to remind myself that other people cannot understand what we go thru and how could they? And people mean well when they say "This is all God's plan" or "It isn't God's timing yet" or my favorite "If you just relax and stop thinking about it, it will happen naturally" well guys I hate to break it to you that is NOT true at all.  Relaxation has nothing to do with this, this is science.... do you think we didn't try the "natural" way first? Before spending thousands? And second I do not believe for one second this is God's plan. I think God knows what the outcome will be and he knows the people this experience will turn us into but this isn't God's doing. This is life, things that happen in the life we were given. God doesn't pick out people to refuse babies too or make them go the hard way. God didn't pick this path for us, our bodies did. But I know he is with us along the way and I absolutely pray to him for help, but he didn't do this. Does any of that rambling make sense?

Last subject for me to vent over today is HORMONES. During each cycle I not only ingest hormones via pill form but I have Matt give me shots of hormones into my very bruised thighs. And sometimes I forget the affect this can have on me, when I feel so full of emotion I could burst, or when I feel so very blue.... these medicines are taking who I am and exaggerating all of it. And this is hard on a marriage too, Matt forgets this and when I remind him of this he sees this as an excuse. An excuse for my bad attitude or behavior. Gosh, it's so hard... I think I am being myself, normal... I don't think I am being crazy or mean but when it is pointed out to me constantly..... then, I guess I am.... it really beats me down. I cannot control what all this is doing to me, I feel helpless. And I am tired of arguing over "my attitude".... does this make sense to anyone else who has been thru this process? Anyone out there? ha!

Anyways, here is the plan..... today I am gonna pick myself up and dust off. Tomorrow I go for an ultrasound to make sure everything is ok in there and if so we will start round 5. I will start the meds again tomorrow and we will go from there. ITS ROUND 5 LOOK ALIVE? Ugh... nothing really rhymes with 5. I have a good feeling about this round. Thanks for listening.

Infertility

So it wouldn't be me without a snarky picture to start the post now would it? HA! I have been meaning to do this post for a week now but just haven't felt like it to be honest. Another thing is although I am an "Open Book" my husband is not.... so out of respect for him I will be vague on some of the issues in this post to respect his privacy and concerns.

SO you all know that over the past 2 months we have started meeting with our Fertility and Reproductive Specialist and the good news is.... we both love him! He is great, he makes us feel calm, he explains everything wonderfully and he really takes his time with us. Last Tuesday we had our big meeting and he met with us personally for over an hour. We also went over all our tests that we have done prior to this meeting. And nope... none of that was fun. My FemVue was extremely uncomfortable to say the least but I also liked that our doctor performed this himself and not just an assistant, I feel like I am in great hands. Our Results? Good news is I have no tumors, polyps and my tubes are open perfectly. I have some weird blood results and we are waiting back on a more extensive blood test I had taken last week. He is not 100% sure my eggs are making it to where they are suppose to but we are doing things via the clinic to watch that. Matt's results? Not great and I will leave it at that.

Where does this leave us? This leaves us with a less than 4% chance of ever being able to get pregnant naturally. Which means basically that will never happen. So our doctor has immediately accepted us and we made the decision to move forward. Matt is on a regimen of vitamins, supplements and more blood work and I start fertility medicine today after a ultrasound I have scheduled this afternoon to basically check on my cycle and how it is going.
We are moving forward with IUI... in case you don't know here is more...
Intrauterine insemination (IUI) is a fertility treatment that involves placing sperm inside a woman’s uterus to facilitate fertilization. The goal of IUI is to increase the number of sperm that reach the fallopian tubes and subsequently increase the chance of fertilization.
( the doctor will be picking and choosing certain Sperm to use during a process called "Washing" the sperm)
IUI provides the sperm an advantage by giving it a head start, but still requires a sperm to reach and fertilize the egg on its own. It is a less invasive and less expensive option compared to in vitro fertilization.

The chances of it working the first time he said are around 25% but if not I will be having a procedure to check on my eggs and determine if IVF would be better match for us and lets hope not because that is even more $$$! ha! SO that is the update my friends, Matt and I are feeling hopeful I guess but to be honest it is so much waiting, tests and big decisions we try to avoid talking about it when we don't have to. That might sound weird but the whole thing is weird. You never think it will be you... that can't have a baby naturally but it could be anyone for any number of reasons. And for those saying it is in Gods will or hands.... you are right, God made people doctors who are able to help us in this medical situation. So for that we and millions of others are thankful.

#babyblues

A lot of you have been asking be for an update on our #babymakingdays and there isn't a lot to report.  We have been trying to conceive since last October and I have seen a lot of negative pregnancy tests since then and not much else! ha!
I will say that this past March we took a month off, my Granddad passed away whom I was really close with and it took me awhile to get my head right again. Then April was also hard for us because I had my worst migraine month in a long time. So we have been dealt some blows but since then we are back on track.
What is next? In the next 2 weeks I will know how this month went and if it doesn't go well then I will make my appointment with my Gyno to discuss our next options. I am sure that will include some sort of fertility drug and we will then go from there! So my update isn't very complex.... ya know it is what it is. And thus far I have been very positive and I am still positive but I am just ready to move on... ya know?
Plus my little sister is getting married next June so if it doesn't happen in the next two months we will have to stop trying for a couple of months because I can't have my due date be May or June.... I want my family to be here with me and I want to be there for her so ... Matt said that is stupid we can't plan a baby around my sister getting married but trust me... we have to. So we will see, Fingers crossed for this month I guess.
Wish me luck.